In the morning, I will rise
Dry the tears from my eyes.
My hope comes from up above
As You look on me with love.
God, You are all I need.
You're my Father, You're my Friend,
You're my Joy that will never end.
I will love You all my days
Praise You with all my ways.
God, You are all I need.
In the noontime pause of day
As I humbly stop to pray
I give You thanks for all I "own"
It's not mine, it's yours to loan.
God, You are all I need.
In the evening as I lie down to rest
I ask You, have I done my best?
My hope is still to please You more
As each day opens up it's door.
God, You are all I need.
Karen Logan
February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
My life is Diabetes or Diabetes is my life
I am bummed. Seriously, seriously bummed. I went to the doctor today for my usual 4 month or so blood sugar average (called an A1c) checkup. I knew it might be higher because of all the holiday temptations I couldn't resist, but I didn't think it was as high as it is. He threatened me with insulin if I didn't get it down. I am not ready to make that step yet. So now I am trying to figure out how to change my eating habits, what I can get by with without cooking a lot, and although I have been diabetic for 8 years now, I still don't really know what spikes me and what doesn't.
Diabetes requires a lot of monitoring, stuff I don't have the patience for, like keeping a food log so you can know what food you should not eat, testing your blood sugar at least twice a day, if not more in case you are monitoring your food intake closely. Making sure I have glucose tablets handy, or candy or something with sugar so I can treat myself if my blood sugar goes low. The problem with candy is my giant sweet tooth which means I want the candy when I'm not low. I buy the small sizes of candy with sugar in it because sugar free candy tends to have a laxative effect, so I don't eat it very often. Then there's the sick episodes I have almost every day where for a little while my stomach doesn't feel good, but it passes pretty quickly. When I take all my morning medicine, it's 7 different pills and 3 are for the diabetes alone. Then I take the same 3 at night. I am always afraid to eat too much in case it might make my sugar go up too much, but then it might backfire on me and I might eat too little and need to eat more later. I try to eat something every two or three hours to keep my sugar level more even.
I don't like to cook. Not at all. I used to like baking, but in this apartment, the smoke alarm is so close to the kitchen it goes off every time I take something out of the oven. So I don't bake much. However, I need to start cooking more and eating healthier. I need a really simple diabetes meal plan, but there's so many different plans and ways to do things out there that I am totally lost. I guess I have been depending too much on my medication to keep me in control. I am trying to get in the habit of doing simple yoga and I'm thinking about walking around the apartment complex in the early mornings.
With diabetes, like it's name, you either beat it as best you can or you die. I'm terrified. Just plain scared that if I don't beat back hard enough, it's going to beat me. Please keep me in your prayers.
Diabetes requires a lot of monitoring, stuff I don't have the patience for, like keeping a food log so you can know what food you should not eat, testing your blood sugar at least twice a day, if not more in case you are monitoring your food intake closely. Making sure I have glucose tablets handy, or candy or something with sugar so I can treat myself if my blood sugar goes low. The problem with candy is my giant sweet tooth which means I want the candy when I'm not low. I buy the small sizes of candy with sugar in it because sugar free candy tends to have a laxative effect, so I don't eat it very often. Then there's the sick episodes I have almost every day where for a little while my stomach doesn't feel good, but it passes pretty quickly. When I take all my morning medicine, it's 7 different pills and 3 are for the diabetes alone. Then I take the same 3 at night. I am always afraid to eat too much in case it might make my sugar go up too much, but then it might backfire on me and I might eat too little and need to eat more later. I try to eat something every two or three hours to keep my sugar level more even.
I don't like to cook. Not at all. I used to like baking, but in this apartment, the smoke alarm is so close to the kitchen it goes off every time I take something out of the oven. So I don't bake much. However, I need to start cooking more and eating healthier. I need a really simple diabetes meal plan, but there's so many different plans and ways to do things out there that I am totally lost. I guess I have been depending too much on my medication to keep me in control. I am trying to get in the habit of doing simple yoga and I'm thinking about walking around the apartment complex in the early mornings.
With diabetes, like it's name, you either beat it as best you can or you die. I'm terrified. Just plain scared that if I don't beat back hard enough, it's going to beat me. Please keep me in your prayers.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Year 2013
It's been a while since I have written anything in this blog so the first day of the new year is a good time to remedy that. I won't write much Just want to throw out some words to remember this year as we tackle the future day by day, minute by minute. Pick the ones you like and go for it with gusto!
N= NEW. Since each day is a new one, let's go forth each day and try to embrace one new idea, one new thought that captures your attention or one new attitude you didn't have the previous day. Try to look at old problems with new eyes and new thoughts towards resolving them.
E=ENERGY. I know some days are full of activities to do, things to remember, problems to solve, but save some of your energy to focus your mind toward God at some point in the day. Remember he is the Author of your days and He deserves attention every day.
W=WELCOME. Welcome each day as a new opportunity to do good, to serve, to give back. Welcome those troubling thoughts you have because it's obvious that you are meant to grow from them, and then do just that: grow!
Y=YEARNING. Cultivate yearning in your heart and your mind for more of God's peace and wisdom. Yearn to love more, do more, be more the kind of person God made you to be.He did not make you to be a bad person, full of evil and malice, but kind and good, with self-control and a loving and generous heart.
E=EAGER. Be eager to seek God's will for your life. Try to read more of His Word. The best thing I ever did last year was to read the Bible through out loud. I feel like I grew spiritually and it blessed me. This year I am going to read through the Daily Guideposts 2013. I look forward to that.
A=ASSIMILATE. Use the new things you learn, the welcoming you do of each day's opportunities, the yearnings of your heart and mind, the eagerness that you have to seek God to assimilate them into your daily existence so that you are not even aware that you are doing them. They will be as natural to you as breathing.
R=RUN. Run literally, run figuratively, run with all your heart, soul, mind and strength toward what God has called you to do in each day of your life. Do not be afraid, but seek His will, His way, and He will be with you through it all.
God bless you all as live each day in this new year!
N= NEW. Since each day is a new one, let's go forth each day and try to embrace one new idea, one new thought that captures your attention or one new attitude you didn't have the previous day. Try to look at old problems with new eyes and new thoughts towards resolving them.
E=ENERGY. I know some days are full of activities to do, things to remember, problems to solve, but save some of your energy to focus your mind toward God at some point in the day. Remember he is the Author of your days and He deserves attention every day.
W=WELCOME. Welcome each day as a new opportunity to do good, to serve, to give back. Welcome those troubling thoughts you have because it's obvious that you are meant to grow from them, and then do just that: grow!
Y=YEARNING. Cultivate yearning in your heart and your mind for more of God's peace and wisdom. Yearn to love more, do more, be more the kind of person God made you to be.He did not make you to be a bad person, full of evil and malice, but kind and good, with self-control and a loving and generous heart.
E=EAGER. Be eager to seek God's will for your life. Try to read more of His Word. The best thing I ever did last year was to read the Bible through out loud. I feel like I grew spiritually and it blessed me. This year I am going to read through the Daily Guideposts 2013. I look forward to that.
A=ASSIMILATE. Use the new things you learn, the welcoming you do of each day's opportunities, the yearnings of your heart and mind, the eagerness that you have to seek God to assimilate them into your daily existence so that you are not even aware that you are doing them. They will be as natural to you as breathing.
R=RUN. Run literally, run figuratively, run with all your heart, soul, mind and strength toward what God has called you to do in each day of your life. Do not be afraid, but seek His will, His way, and He will be with you through it all.
God bless you all as live each day in this new year!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wishing for a Revival
I have just finished a book by J. Edwin Orr, titled The Flaming Tongue: The Impact of Early 20th Century Revivals. It was very dry reading for the most part but I found it to be interesting due to the worldwide impact of what is referred to as the Welsh Revival of 1904-1905. Although the impact did not actually begin with the Welsh Revival, it was rather due to spontaneous prayer meetings arising all over the world. The Welsh Revival is probably known as it's greatest catalyst however. It was a time of great awakening, of confessions, of repentance, of coming together with others to manifest changes in their lives.
Here is a quote from page 193: "The story of the Welsh Revival is astounding. Begun with prayer meetings of less than a score of intercessors, when it burst its bounds the churches of Wales were crowded for more than two years. [emphasis mine] A hundred thousand outsiders were converted and added to the churches, the vast majority remaining true to the end. Drunkenness was immediately cut in half, and many taverns went bankrupt. Crime was so diminished that judges were presented with white gloves signifying that there were no cases of murder, assault, rape or robbery or the like to consider. The police became "unemployed" in many districts. Stoppages occurred in coal-mines, not due to unpleasantness between management and workers, but because so many foul-mouthed miners became converted and stopped using foul language that the horses which hauled the coal trucks in the mines could no longer understand what was being said to them, and transportation ground to a halt."
Reading this book, I was just astonished that this was taking place a little over 100 years ago. What has happened in this past century that has negated these awakenings for the most part? Is it the brutal wars? The advances of modern technology? The ability to travel from one end of the world in a day or two as opposed to weeks or months? Communication is almost instantaneous now with computers and cell phones and satellites. It seems to me that they are perfect tools to generate revival, yet that is not happening. I'm not a missionary, nor a theologian. I have no answers. Only questions. I exist with wishes, with desires, with longing to have experiences like the people from 100 years ago did. I would love for my Facebook news feed to be free of hate and criticism but I am the first to point my finger at myself for spreading such myself. My heart longs to be more Christ-like and I know that the Lord is working on my heart even now. My anger rises with each hurtful and hateful post on Facebook I see from others and it is very hard to keep my mouth shut and not create further issues. I just want to know Christ and not be political in nature or divisive among people I associate with and even with people I don't know. I could stop using Facebook, but I cherish the friends I have on it and would not want to lose contact with them.
My whole point in this post is just to bring to you a small awareness of something that happened a century ago that made a difference in many many lives across the world. I wish what happened then could happen now, a revival of the Lord's people that could impact the world for good. May God bless you with awakening in your heart and soul.
Here is a quote from page 193: "The story of the Welsh Revival is astounding. Begun with prayer meetings of less than a score of intercessors, when it burst its bounds the churches of Wales were crowded for more than two years. [emphasis mine] A hundred thousand outsiders were converted and added to the churches, the vast majority remaining true to the end. Drunkenness was immediately cut in half, and many taverns went bankrupt. Crime was so diminished that judges were presented with white gloves signifying that there were no cases of murder, assault, rape or robbery or the like to consider. The police became "unemployed" in many districts. Stoppages occurred in coal-mines, not due to unpleasantness between management and workers, but because so many foul-mouthed miners became converted and stopped using foul language that the horses which hauled the coal trucks in the mines could no longer understand what was being said to them, and transportation ground to a halt."
Reading this book, I was just astonished that this was taking place a little over 100 years ago. What has happened in this past century that has negated these awakenings for the most part? Is it the brutal wars? The advances of modern technology? The ability to travel from one end of the world in a day or two as opposed to weeks or months? Communication is almost instantaneous now with computers and cell phones and satellites. It seems to me that they are perfect tools to generate revival, yet that is not happening. I'm not a missionary, nor a theologian. I have no answers. Only questions. I exist with wishes, with desires, with longing to have experiences like the people from 100 years ago did. I would love for my Facebook news feed to be free of hate and criticism but I am the first to point my finger at myself for spreading such myself. My heart longs to be more Christ-like and I know that the Lord is working on my heart even now. My anger rises with each hurtful and hateful post on Facebook I see from others and it is very hard to keep my mouth shut and not create further issues. I just want to know Christ and not be political in nature or divisive among people I associate with and even with people I don't know. I could stop using Facebook, but I cherish the friends I have on it and would not want to lose contact with them.
My whole point in this post is just to bring to you a small awareness of something that happened a century ago that made a difference in many many lives across the world. I wish what happened then could happen now, a revival of the Lord's people that could impact the world for good. May God bless you with awakening in your heart and soul.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Praising God Even With Diabetes
Today I am thinking of how I can use my diabetes to praise the Lord. I want to know why God made our bodies so we could get this disease! It's not easy. it's a chronic illness. It never leaves me, not for one second or one hour or even a day. I never get a break from it. Ever. When I'm hungry, I can't eat just anything anymore. I have to think how many carbs it has, how much sugar, whether it affects my blood sugar really bad or just a little bit. Or sometimes I just don't even think about it at all and let the chips (pun intended) fall where they may. I suffer the consequences later, when those little pin and needle twinges hit me. Nerve damage. Oh great. So far I don't use insulin. But the longer I have diabetes the more probability exists that I will have to begin to use it. Praise the Lord for pain? I'm working on it. slowly.
My sweet tooth is not just a little bitty thing in my mouth, it IS my mouth. I praise the Lord for chocolate. I praise the Lord for cake, and pie, and cookies and candy, and for the Girl Scouts who sell those cookies RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS when I am determined to get my A1C (average of blood glucose in the last 3 months) back below 7. I praise the Lord that I have to control my sweet tooth/mouth a little more now. But "sugar free" just doesn't taste the same. I'm told dark chocolate is best to eat, but I want MILK chocolate. Praise the Lord for alternatives? I'm working on it. Slowly.
I still haven't started exercising yet. I know it's supposed to help keep the blood sugar down and get the weight off. I don't really need to lose weight. I actually need to gain a few pounds so my face doesn't look so caved in anymore. But I still need to exercise to gain muscle strength, and stamina. I thought about Yoga. But do you know what Yoga really stands for? You're Only Gonna Ache! But I will give it a try because I really don't feel like bouncing around doing aerobics. Praise the Lord for even more pain? I'm working on it. Slowly.
One thing I intensely dislike about diabetes is having to check my blood sugar. I have a glucose meter with test strips to collect the blood after I use these little lancet things on my fingers. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on which fingers I use. If I hit a nerve that's when it hurts. So I try to stick on the side of my finger so it won't hurt. I have had a bad fear of needles since I was really small. It took me 3 days to get up the courage just to stick myself for blood sugar readings after I was diagnosed. Seven years later I still don't like it. The future insulin will be a nightmare for me to overcome probably. I don't even look when I get my blood drawn for checking my A1C. Praise the Lord for advanced knowledge, medicine, and testing skills? You betcha I'm working on it. Slowly.
There's nothing really good about diabetes. Not one single stinking thing. It messes up your life in more ways than you can even imagine. If you have a history of diabetes in your family, get tested now for prediabetes. You don't want it. If you are overweight and your doctor tells you that you are in danger of getting diabetes, get the weight off now. Your diabetes will never leave you, even though some people say that they don't have diabetes anymore after losing weight, etc. I don't believe that for a minute. It's just more controlled. You have to watch what you eat, take care of yourself, get exercise, pay attention to the signals of your body every day. The low sugar episodes are no fun, going high can be scary. It's a constant monitoring. In some ways diabetes is like our spiritual lives. With constant monitoring, we can stay in control, keep away from sin and the bad stuff that causes us to get out of control and have a great relationship with God. Praise the Lord for diabetes? I'm working on it. Slowly.
My sweet tooth is not just a little bitty thing in my mouth, it IS my mouth. I praise the Lord for chocolate. I praise the Lord for cake, and pie, and cookies and candy, and for the Girl Scouts who sell those cookies RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS when I am determined to get my A1C (average of blood glucose in the last 3 months) back below 7. I praise the Lord that I have to control my sweet tooth/mouth a little more now. But "sugar free" just doesn't taste the same. I'm told dark chocolate is best to eat, but I want MILK chocolate. Praise the Lord for alternatives? I'm working on it. Slowly.
I still haven't started exercising yet. I know it's supposed to help keep the blood sugar down and get the weight off. I don't really need to lose weight. I actually need to gain a few pounds so my face doesn't look so caved in anymore. But I still need to exercise to gain muscle strength, and stamina. I thought about Yoga. But do you know what Yoga really stands for? You're Only Gonna Ache! But I will give it a try because I really don't feel like bouncing around doing aerobics. Praise the Lord for even more pain? I'm working on it. Slowly.
One thing I intensely dislike about diabetes is having to check my blood sugar. I have a glucose meter with test strips to collect the blood after I use these little lancet things on my fingers. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on which fingers I use. If I hit a nerve that's when it hurts. So I try to stick on the side of my finger so it won't hurt. I have had a bad fear of needles since I was really small. It took me 3 days to get up the courage just to stick myself for blood sugar readings after I was diagnosed. Seven years later I still don't like it. The future insulin will be a nightmare for me to overcome probably. I don't even look when I get my blood drawn for checking my A1C. Praise the Lord for advanced knowledge, medicine, and testing skills? You betcha I'm working on it. Slowly.
There's nothing really good about diabetes. Not one single stinking thing. It messes up your life in more ways than you can even imagine. If you have a history of diabetes in your family, get tested now for prediabetes. You don't want it. If you are overweight and your doctor tells you that you are in danger of getting diabetes, get the weight off now. Your diabetes will never leave you, even though some people say that they don't have diabetes anymore after losing weight, etc. I don't believe that for a minute. It's just more controlled. You have to watch what you eat, take care of yourself, get exercise, pay attention to the signals of your body every day. The low sugar episodes are no fun, going high can be scary. It's a constant monitoring. In some ways diabetes is like our spiritual lives. With constant monitoring, we can stay in control, keep away from sin and the bad stuff that causes us to get out of control and have a great relationship with God. Praise the Lord for diabetes? I'm working on it. Slowly.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I can't explain it...I'm just Southern
First of all, I must confess, I have never been outside the Southeastern United States. So my understanding of life in other parts of the good ole USA is limited. But I love my Southern roots, I am here to stay, I am not going anywhere. But maybe I am not the typical Southerner.
For you see...
Rednecks make me cringe...including the red necks from too much sun.
Even though I am a GRIT...Girl Raised in the South....I hate grits!
Green is a great color for a football field, but don't put green on my plate! That includes, collard greens, turnip greens, kale. any kind of greens like that. But unlike George H. W. Bush, I will eat broccoli.
Blue is my favorite color, but don't make look at the Boise State football field, please!
I root for the Alabama Crimson Tide, yet I come from a divided family. My father was an Auburn graduate. My mother attended Alabama. My niece is about to graduate from Auburn. So it is hard for me to be completely for one side or the other. But what's more Southern than SEC football? Since I graduated from Alabama and also worked there for 25 years I tend to be a pretty devoted Crimson Tide fan who loves her Auburn fan friends and family dearly.
I'm a girl who loves to read, loves to shop, loves to keep up with what's going on in the world, but I still wear clothes that I bought many years ago. They are out of style, too big, etc, but because they are in good conidtion, I continue to wear them because I am no New York fashion plate. Life in the South is comfortable, laid-back, restful. I like that...A LOT!
I'm very cold natured. Summers here get hot, but I don't mind them so much. I just put more layers on against the AC.
Even though I live in the South, where everything is more fun outdoors, I am not an outdoorsy girl. I don't play sports, I don't sit outside, fanning away the flies. I stay inside all layered up against the AC.
Boiled peanuts? No thanks. Whoppers? No thanks. Fried chicken, yes please! Mashed potatoes, put gravy on it please! Black eyed peas and cornbread make my southern taste buds explode! I'll also have some nanner puddin' for dessert, please. Sweet tea? Yes, but I take it with Splenda now. If you have Diet Sunkist, I'll have that later with my pecan pie that I'm saving for my snack. (And it's not Peecan, it's Pe-cahn)
I guess all is not lost in me. I do have a few Southern graces. And some grit to hold on to.
If you act nice, I'll even listen while you tell me all the things I forgot to mention about being Southern.
For you see...
Rednecks make me cringe...including the red necks from too much sun.
Even though I am a GRIT...Girl Raised in the South....I hate grits!
Green is a great color for a football field, but don't put green on my plate! That includes, collard greens, turnip greens, kale. any kind of greens like that. But unlike George H. W. Bush, I will eat broccoli.
Blue is my favorite color, but don't make look at the Boise State football field, please!
I root for the Alabama Crimson Tide, yet I come from a divided family. My father was an Auburn graduate. My mother attended Alabama. My niece is about to graduate from Auburn. So it is hard for me to be completely for one side or the other. But what's more Southern than SEC football? Since I graduated from Alabama and also worked there for 25 years I tend to be a pretty devoted Crimson Tide fan who loves her Auburn fan friends and family dearly.
I'm a girl who loves to read, loves to shop, loves to keep up with what's going on in the world, but I still wear clothes that I bought many years ago. They are out of style, too big, etc, but because they are in good conidtion, I continue to wear them because I am no New York fashion plate. Life in the South is comfortable, laid-back, restful. I like that...A LOT!
I'm very cold natured. Summers here get hot, but I don't mind them so much. I just put more layers on against the AC.
Even though I live in the South, where everything is more fun outdoors, I am not an outdoorsy girl. I don't play sports, I don't sit outside, fanning away the flies. I stay inside all layered up against the AC.
Boiled peanuts? No thanks. Whoppers? No thanks. Fried chicken, yes please! Mashed potatoes, put gravy on it please! Black eyed peas and cornbread make my southern taste buds explode! I'll also have some nanner puddin' for dessert, please. Sweet tea? Yes, but I take it with Splenda now. If you have Diet Sunkist, I'll have that later with my pecan pie that I'm saving for my snack. (And it's not Peecan, it's Pe-cahn)
I guess all is not lost in me. I do have a few Southern graces. And some grit to hold on to.
If you act nice, I'll even listen while you tell me all the things I forgot to mention about being Southern.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Two Weeks and Counting
Two weeks from today will be my long-awaited disability appeal hearing. To say I am nervous would be an understatement. I have no idea what will happen or how long it will take for the judge to make a decision. I just know I am tired of waiting and ready to get this over with no matter how nervous I am. Then after that comes the anxiety of waiting for the decision. In the meantime, life goes on pretty much as it has for the last year and a half. I still struggle with having enough money. I never seem to have enough to pay bills and buy groceries and I hate having to ask anyone for help. I have 2 doctor appointments this month as well. I know my A1C test (3 month blood sugar average) is not going to be the best. I just hope it's not above what it was in October. But I have been so stressed and anxious and with the holidays, I have just wanted to eat all the time. I never feel satisfied hunger-wise or emotionally.
I don't have very much to say about this situation. Just wanted to post a message about it and ask for prayers over the next couple of weeks. For my health and well-being, for my ability to be verbally articulate at the hearing and for the outcome of it all to be positive. I am hoping for a tax refund this year that will be sufficient to handle some of my overdue bills and to be able to stock up on groceries again. I am a meat and potatoes girl, not a veggie person, and I am having to steel myself to start the process of eating nothing but veggies for the next two or three weeks.
Thank you all so much for your friendship and prayers. It means the world to me! Bless you, dear friends!
I don't have very much to say about this situation. Just wanted to post a message about it and ask for prayers over the next couple of weeks. For my health and well-being, for my ability to be verbally articulate at the hearing and for the outcome of it all to be positive. I am hoping for a tax refund this year that will be sufficient to handle some of my overdue bills and to be able to stock up on groceries again. I am a meat and potatoes girl, not a veggie person, and I am having to steel myself to start the process of eating nothing but veggies for the next two or three weeks.
Thank you all so much for your friendship and prayers. It means the world to me! Bless you, dear friends!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A Different Kind of Testing
If you have been following my Facebook posts lately you have surely seen my postings about my upstairs neighbor who insists on playing the loud music all day long every day. It's not enough that he does it during the day but in the wee hours of the morning too, when any person who does not work nights ought to be sleeping.
This has tested my patience in the worst way. To protect myself I have not confronted my neighbor directly but have relied on the apartment manager and the security guards to handle things. Legally, there is not much we can do except go through the eviction process.
I cannot actually hear this music, unless there is a great big thump. But I feel the vibrations constantly. On the floor, on the furniture, wherever I go in my apartment it is there. I cannot escape it. I am hoping we will be able to rid the complex of this "cancer" soon.
To me this is a tremendous lesson on responsibility, responding to authority, respecting others and growing up. This person has exhibited none of the traits of a mature person. He has been repeatedly told to stop, he does not answer the door, he shows no regard for others, he does what he wants to do. I have been grateful to have managed to restrain myself from going upstairs, knocking on his door and screaming at him to stop. So this is teaching me patience and self-control. That's not to say that there have been no tears when I am at the end of my rope and need a break from the music.
I just want to encourage those who are still raising children to try your best to instill in them a respect for authority, a regard for others, thoughtfulness and concern about how their actions are perceived or received by others around them.
This has been a hard couple of weeks and not sure how much longer it will last. I am grateful for any reprieve in the situation and will be most grateful for the end of it to arrive. I cannot understand the lack of respect, disregard for authority and the lack of conscience displayed by my neighbor. It's actually very sad to me. I am glad to have the Holy Spirit in me as my guide and my Comforter. I am thankful to be able to pray about the situation to the Father. I want to learn my lessons from this situation and I hope I have.
This has tested my patience in the worst way. To protect myself I have not confronted my neighbor directly but have relied on the apartment manager and the security guards to handle things. Legally, there is not much we can do except go through the eviction process.
I cannot actually hear this music, unless there is a great big thump. But I feel the vibrations constantly. On the floor, on the furniture, wherever I go in my apartment it is there. I cannot escape it. I am hoping we will be able to rid the complex of this "cancer" soon.
To me this is a tremendous lesson on responsibility, responding to authority, respecting others and growing up. This person has exhibited none of the traits of a mature person. He has been repeatedly told to stop, he does not answer the door, he shows no regard for others, he does what he wants to do. I have been grateful to have managed to restrain myself from going upstairs, knocking on his door and screaming at him to stop. So this is teaching me patience and self-control. That's not to say that there have been no tears when I am at the end of my rope and need a break from the music.
I just want to encourage those who are still raising children to try your best to instill in them a respect for authority, a regard for others, thoughtfulness and concern about how their actions are perceived or received by others around them.
This has been a hard couple of weeks and not sure how much longer it will last. I am grateful for any reprieve in the situation and will be most grateful for the end of it to arrive. I cannot understand the lack of respect, disregard for authority and the lack of conscience displayed by my neighbor. It's actually very sad to me. I am glad to have the Holy Spirit in me as my guide and my Comforter. I am thankful to be able to pray about the situation to the Father. I want to learn my lessons from this situation and I hope I have.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mini Bucket List
Just thinking of things I would like to do before I am too old to to do them. Thought I would share because I know you will be so excited relieved to know I don't just sit all day and do nothing.
1. At least one more trip to the beach. It's been over twenty years since I have been. My niece and nephew were very small children when I was last with them there, and now they are in their twenties. My, how time flies.
2. get my disability appeal over with, win and get all my debt paid off.
3. do some traveling
4. Sponsor at least one child through Christian Relief Fund.
5. Live in a house again and be married to a good and decent man.
That's all, folks. If you think of anything else I should do, let me know.
1. At least one more trip to the beach. It's been over twenty years since I have been. My niece and nephew were very small children when I was last with them there, and now they are in their twenties. My, how time flies.
3. do some traveling
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| Grand Hotel, Mackinac Island, Michigan |
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| White House, Washington, D.C. |
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| Ireland |
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| Biltmore Estate, Asheville, N. C. |
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| Green Gables House, Prince Edward Island, Canada |
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Just Too Much
I keep praying and nothing happens. I listen to others who are in even more dire straits than I am and my heart aches to help them and I can't. My tears won't stop. My heart keeps pounding away inside my chest and won't quit. I'm still here. For what? I feel like I'm just taking up space and not fulfilling any kind of mission I have on this earth. I need relief, Lord. Others who will remain nameless need relief. Please Lord help us. We can't survive without help. Help in the form of money, food, shelter, jobs. I can't keep going on like this every day. Not knowing what to do, where to turn, how to ask for what I need. And yet even if I had my needs met, there are still others who need help too. Where do they turn, what do they do, how do they ask for what they need? Then the old tried and true scripture comes to mind: "Ask and it will be given you, Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks, finds, and to him who knocks the door will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV)
I know that people are probably very tired of hearing about my situation and I'm very sorry about that. I don't want to bother anyone with my troubles. If I had good news I would share it. If I didn't need anything I wouldn't ask. The depression, the weariness, the mental exhaustion of worry just eats away at me each day and then I learn that others struggle too and I feel guilty because I am not able to help them. All I can say is that I will pray. So in case anyone wonders, I have shelter, I have a little food, but not enough money to stock back up for a month. Having diabetes makes it even harder to buy the things that are ok for me. I have outstanding bills I need to pay. Rent and utilities are paid. I am behind on my medicine bill and diabetes supplies co-pays. But other bills still eat away at my conscience. I am still waiting on the disability hearing. Until then, each month is a struggle. I just want an end to the worst year ever. Even if all my debts were to be paid in full before I receive the disability money, I would still have only about 83 dollars per month to spend on groceries. So nothing will really help me but having this disability money or winning a lottery. But I'm not playing any lotteries. I have to have health insurance. I pay my rent so I have a place to live. But after these are taken out of my retirement check, I then have only 320 dollars a month left for bills and groceries. You say why don't you get a job? Well, I'm waiting to find out if I will get disability. Till I know something I can't go out and get a job because it might jeopardize my chances of winning the appeal. The whole point of getting disability is because you are not able to work. Because of my vision and hearing impairments as well as the diabetes I feel like I should no longer try to work and because I don't drive, my job choices are very limited.
So I feel my best choice is to have this disability money, especially since I am single and I see no new marriage in my future. If I am denied, and I have to work, I might be able to do some work from home on the computer. It's really a complicated thing and so uncertain. I feel so like a ship without an anchor right now.
Anyway, this is what's going on and how I am feeling right now. Hopeless, defeated, anxious, worried for myself and for others I know who are struggling also. I know there is power in prayer and God's timing is always best. I just need help. Please?
I know that people are probably very tired of hearing about my situation and I'm very sorry about that. I don't want to bother anyone with my troubles. If I had good news I would share it. If I didn't need anything I wouldn't ask. The depression, the weariness, the mental exhaustion of worry just eats away at me each day and then I learn that others struggle too and I feel guilty because I am not able to help them. All I can say is that I will pray. So in case anyone wonders, I have shelter, I have a little food, but not enough money to stock back up for a month. Having diabetes makes it even harder to buy the things that are ok for me. I have outstanding bills I need to pay. Rent and utilities are paid. I am behind on my medicine bill and diabetes supplies co-pays. But other bills still eat away at my conscience. I am still waiting on the disability hearing. Until then, each month is a struggle. I just want an end to the worst year ever. Even if all my debts were to be paid in full before I receive the disability money, I would still have only about 83 dollars per month to spend on groceries. So nothing will really help me but having this disability money or winning a lottery. But I'm not playing any lotteries. I have to have health insurance. I pay my rent so I have a place to live. But after these are taken out of my retirement check, I then have only 320 dollars a month left for bills and groceries. You say why don't you get a job? Well, I'm waiting to find out if I will get disability. Till I know something I can't go out and get a job because it might jeopardize my chances of winning the appeal. The whole point of getting disability is because you are not able to work. Because of my vision and hearing impairments as well as the diabetes I feel like I should no longer try to work and because I don't drive, my job choices are very limited.
So I feel my best choice is to have this disability money, especially since I am single and I see no new marriage in my future. If I am denied, and I have to work, I might be able to do some work from home on the computer. It's really a complicated thing and so uncertain. I feel so like a ship without an anchor right now.
Anyway, this is what's going on and how I am feeling right now. Hopeless, defeated, anxious, worried for myself and for others I know who are struggling also. I know there is power in prayer and God's timing is always best. I just need help. Please?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Home is Tuscaloosa
It's been a month and a few days now since that awful day of April 27 when a tornado slashed the city of Tuscaloosa from one end to the other. 43 lives were lost, hundreds more injured. Scores of homes and businesses damaged or totally destroyed. This day will not ever be forgotten. Last night our city held a candlelight vigil in memory of those lost in the storm. I was not privileged to attend but I have seen photos of the event and it looks like an awesome experience. We have a top notch mayor in Walt Maddox and he is truly a fine leader who cares about our city.
I first moved to Tuscaloosa from the small of town of Fayette, Alabama in the summer of 1966. We moved because my dad and another gentleman bought a Jerry's restaurant franchise. We lived in the Cherrydale neighborhood south of Hargrove Road and my sister and I attended elementary school at University Place. She was in the first grade and I was in the 4th grade. When it was time for me to switch schools in 7th grade I went to Eastwood Junior High School. We moved away in the fall of 1970 just as I was beginning the 8th grade. Years away from Tuscaloosa did not make me forget this wonderful town. I came back to attend the University of Alabama after attending two other colleges. I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in History, went to graduate school and obtained a Masters in Library Studies. I started working at the University of Alabama library in the fall of 1984. I worked there for 25 years until I retired in June 2009. Tuscaloosa has been my home for more than half of my life and even when we lived in Fayette we came to Tuscaloosa to shop quite frequently. When I was old enough to understand what was going on in the sports world, I chose to root for the Alabama Crimson Tide because they were doing better than Auburn at the time. Joe Namath was the quarterback and he was no. 12. I was born on 12/12. Guess what my favorite number is? Of course! It's 12! Yes, I am looking forward to 12/12/2012. That year I will be 56 years old and I was born in 1956. So strange isn't it?
Anyway, I digress. Back to Tuscaloosa. I have seen this city grow so much in the span of my lifetime. I remember the building of McFarland Mall and the building of University Mall. I remember when there was nothing but grass where McFarland Boulevard is now. My apologies to those who are reading who know nothing about Tuscaloosa. It's just that I have so memories built up in this town and so many precious friends and neighbors that I care about. It's so hard to describe what Tuscaloosa means to me and how sad I am to see the devastation caused by this behemoth of nature that roared through this city on April 27.
My friend Rachel Remenih graciously agreed to let me post some pictures that she took of the devastation here since I have not been able to get out and get pictures taken. Here they are. It truly takes your breath away.
I can't tell you anything about these pictures since I didn't take them but they give some idea of the destruction that is rampant here. Pictures don't do the damage justice. You have to see it and then you still don't comprehend. So many people are without jobs, homes, favorite stores, restaurants, etc. A way of life has ended here. We now have what is called a "new normal". I hate that phrase but it's the only way we can describe the day to day existence in Tuscaloosa now. Many of us were spared the loss of our homes and family members or friends, but we are still affected. We may know someone who experienced that loss or losses. We can't shop at Hobby Lobby right now or eat at Full Moon Barbeque because they are gone. Big Lots is leveled. Forest Lake looks like a war zone. The lake is still there but nothing looks the same.
When I read or hear anything about the tornado, the devastation, the people that have been affected by this tragedy, I immediately start crying. It's an instantaneous reaction. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I have a hard time believing that I live in a federal disaster area. But that is the new reality. Removal of debris has begun and repair has started on damaged homes. But it will be a very long time before we are built back up. But we will be better and bigger. Hopefully prepared for the next time this happens, but Lord willing, it never will. My home is Tuscaloosa. My heart belongs to Tuscaloosa. My faith is in the God of this city, Tuscaloosa. God Bless Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA.
I first moved to Tuscaloosa from the small of town of Fayette, Alabama in the summer of 1966. We moved because my dad and another gentleman bought a Jerry's restaurant franchise. We lived in the Cherrydale neighborhood south of Hargrove Road and my sister and I attended elementary school at University Place. She was in the first grade and I was in the 4th grade. When it was time for me to switch schools in 7th grade I went to Eastwood Junior High School. We moved away in the fall of 1970 just as I was beginning the 8th grade. Years away from Tuscaloosa did not make me forget this wonderful town. I came back to attend the University of Alabama after attending two other colleges. I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in History, went to graduate school and obtained a Masters in Library Studies. I started working at the University of Alabama library in the fall of 1984. I worked there for 25 years until I retired in June 2009. Tuscaloosa has been my home for more than half of my life and even when we lived in Fayette we came to Tuscaloosa to shop quite frequently. When I was old enough to understand what was going on in the sports world, I chose to root for the Alabama Crimson Tide because they were doing better than Auburn at the time. Joe Namath was the quarterback and he was no. 12. I was born on 12/12. Guess what my favorite number is? Of course! It's 12! Yes, I am looking forward to 12/12/2012. That year I will be 56 years old and I was born in 1956. So strange isn't it?
Anyway, I digress. Back to Tuscaloosa. I have seen this city grow so much in the span of my lifetime. I remember the building of McFarland Mall and the building of University Mall. I remember when there was nothing but grass where McFarland Boulevard is now. My apologies to those who are reading who know nothing about Tuscaloosa. It's just that I have so memories built up in this town and so many precious friends and neighbors that I care about. It's so hard to describe what Tuscaloosa means to me and how sad I am to see the devastation caused by this behemoth of nature that roared through this city on April 27.
My friend Rachel Remenih graciously agreed to let me post some pictures that she took of the devastation here since I have not been able to get out and get pictures taken. Here they are. It truly takes your breath away.
When I read or hear anything about the tornado, the devastation, the people that have been affected by this tragedy, I immediately start crying. It's an instantaneous reaction. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I have a hard time believing that I live in a federal disaster area. But that is the new reality. Removal of debris has begun and repair has started on damaged homes. But it will be a very long time before we are built back up. But we will be better and bigger. Hopefully prepared for the next time this happens, but Lord willing, it never will. My home is Tuscaloosa. My heart belongs to Tuscaloosa. My faith is in the God of this city, Tuscaloosa. God Bless Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Iota Incomprehensible
- iota
- \eye-OH-tuh\
noun
1
: the 9th letter of the Greek alphabet
2
: an infinitesimal amount : jot
This is what Merriam Webster dictionary online says is the definition of iota. An interesting word. I don't use it very often because I just can't think that small. But one way I can think of to use it is that we have not got an iota of understanding of how much God loves us. In other words even though we know that He gave His only Son to die for us, we still can't fathom how much love that is. Otherwise, we would spend every waking moment of our lives in complete and utter obedience to God. I am just as guilty of not being obedient as anyone else.
But I am thankful for the mercies of a loving and just Father who forgives me when I make mistakes, when I am forgetful of his presence, and when I don't love my fellow human beings as much as I should.
In another humorous way we can mispronounce the word as "I oughta". I sometimes wonder if I oughta give an iota about some things the world takes seriously, like money, fame, big house, celebrity status. But then I remember that we can't take it with us when we die. All we leave behind is our reputation. I would rather have a ginormous reputation for thoughtfulness, kindness, respect, love for others, gentleness, faithfulness than to have a huge bank account and fear of people because I wouldn't know if they want to know me for me or for my money. So iota is actually a big word even though it means a small amount. Because God can do so much more with our lives than the iota that we can do with ourselves. God can move mountains. He can calm a stormy sea. He can take the faith that is as small as a mustard seed and the iota of hope we have and do big things. I have struggled with this a lot in the last year. I know that most people know that I am waiting on a disability appeal hearing that should take place this fall or in the spring of 2012. I filed the appeal in September 2010. It has been the longest, most frightening year of my life. I struggle with loneliness, and fear nearly every day. I don't like living alone. I don't like not having enough money to pay on all my bills each month. I don't like stressing over having enough to eat. I especially don't like not being able to give to others who are hurting just as much or more as I am. I am not able to adopt because i don't want to be a single parent. I'm too old now anyway. But I want desperately to be able to afford to sponsor a child through some organization. I want to rescue a sweet kitty out of a shelter and give him/her a home. I think I could do that but I can't do it right now. But I am hanging on to an iota of hope that I will be able to do all this eventually. That with prayers of thanksgiving for the avenue of hope God offers me through His word that I will come out of this dark valley into a fresh and renewed perspective on life. I want to glorify God and be a reflection of Christ to the world around me, not just an iota bit, but in every way.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Heroes Forever!
I posted this note on my Facebook page earlier this morning but decided to also include it on my blog with some amendments and/or additions. I appreciate your reading it and hope you have a blessed day!
My heroes are my mom and dad, who had the faith and perseverance to take on the challenge God gave them in me: a double-handicapped child. Born in 1956, I'm not sure how much was known about Congenital Rubella Syndrome (German Measles). They did know that pregnant women should not get German measles because she could pass it to the baby. I know they thought I might not be able to eat normally. I weighed 2 pounds and 10 oz. I was born in December but did not go home until the end of February when I passed 5 pounds. My mom did not know she was pregnant when she contracted the German measles. Therefore the virus was passed through so early that more severe disabilities could have developed but by the grace of God, I've been able to see His beautiful world even with one working eye, hear the sounds around me with the help of a man-made hearing aid, speak my mind and learn about many things through going to school with "normal" children. Yes, I was "mainstreamed." My hearing did not start to deteriorate until I was in elementary school, so I was able to hear and learn to speak at the age I was supposed to. I started wearing the hearing aid in the third grade. I am thankful to be able to read and write, to have held a job for many years. I am thankful for the opportunity to be married although it did not work out. I would like another chance at marriage, so if you know someone....But I digress. I am thankful for my friends, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a friend to others. I am thankful for Jesus Christ, who took my sins upon himself and died for me.
I just wish I could draw/paint, and sing. Oh how I wish I could find more talents I possess that I don't know about so I can use them to bless others.
I'm thankful for the avenue of prayer that I can walk down any time in gratitude, in times of sorrow and distress, in times of weakness and pain, in times of temptation and anxiety. I wish all people were confident that they can walk down this avenue with me.
I started out writing about my mom and dad. I do not know how they did it. Doctor after doctor, many hospital visits as a baby, having to have my hearing tested, taking me to the Speech and Hearing Center in Birmingham. I have many memories of sitting in waiting rooms waiting to be called in to see doctors in Birmingham. They took me to these appointments, spent countless hours thinking about me and helping me.
I had such difficulty learning the multiplication tables in school that my dad had to help me. He helped me with a science fair project in third grade. He was more interested in it than I was I think! I won 2nd place. It was his project! I remember wearing a prosthetic eye for awhile to cover my bad eye and make it look more normal. My mom always put it in and took it out. I finally had to stop wearing it due to the pain of it rubbing against my eye. I was always in so much pain when I came home from school. I had to ride the bus and the bus driver lived near us, so I was just about one of the first ones to be picked up in the morning and the last to get home in the afternoon. It would hurt so bad by then. I also remember the time I forgot to ride the bus. The date was March 1, 1966. I thought it was the day my great aunt was picking me up but I had my days mixed up. So instead of telling anyone that I was stranded, I decided to walk to my grandmother's house. I had never crossed the street before by myself. As I got nearer to the big street I had to cross, I saw a man dressed in a business suit so I decided to follow him and do what he did. I got across the street and looked around and he was gone. I don't think he went into the Christian book store that was across the street from the school but I can't be sure. Why would a man be dressed in a business suit and be walking around at 3 pm or so in the afternoon? I think he might have been a guardian angel. Anyway, I kept on going and went the long way around to my grandmother's house because I was afraid of a big dog. She didn't lock her doors at that time, it was pretty safe, so I just walked right into her house and she wasn't home, so I called my parents and let them know where I was. They were understandably concerned but they were good to me about it. So I guess I have a bit of an independent mindset sometimes. I don't remember if I was punished for this or not. Don't think so. Another time I stepped into an elevator with two different men, but we weren't going in that direction and I didn't hear them tell me to get off. so I rode the elevator, and stopped at every floor so they could find me. I think they went bananas over it. All they had to do was keep standing there in front of the doors and I would find them and get off. At least that's how I tried to solve the problem!
So no matter what has happened to me in life, I am thankful for my parents. My dad died at the early age of 48, of a heart attack but my mom is still living and she is a great help to me even now. I try my best to be there for her as well. God gave me the best parents I could have had. My Heroes Forever!
I just wish I could draw/paint, and sing. Oh how I wish I could find more talents I possess that I don't know about so I can use them to bless others.
I'm thankful for the avenue of prayer that I can walk down any time in gratitude, in times of sorrow and distress, in times of weakness and pain, in times of temptation and anxiety. I wish all people were confident that they can walk down this avenue with me.
I started out writing about my mom and dad. I do not know how they did it. Doctor after doctor, many hospital visits as a baby, having to have my hearing tested, taking me to the Speech and Hearing Center in Birmingham. I have many memories of sitting in waiting rooms waiting to be called in to see doctors in Birmingham. They took me to these appointments, spent countless hours thinking about me and helping me.
I had such difficulty learning the multiplication tables in school that my dad had to help me. He helped me with a science fair project in third grade. He was more interested in it than I was I think! I won 2nd place. It was his project! I remember wearing a prosthetic eye for awhile to cover my bad eye and make it look more normal. My mom always put it in and took it out. I finally had to stop wearing it due to the pain of it rubbing against my eye. I was always in so much pain when I came home from school. I had to ride the bus and the bus driver lived near us, so I was just about one of the first ones to be picked up in the morning and the last to get home in the afternoon. It would hurt so bad by then. I also remember the time I forgot to ride the bus. The date was March 1, 1966. I thought it was the day my great aunt was picking me up but I had my days mixed up. So instead of telling anyone that I was stranded, I decided to walk to my grandmother's house. I had never crossed the street before by myself. As I got nearer to the big street I had to cross, I saw a man dressed in a business suit so I decided to follow him and do what he did. I got across the street and looked around and he was gone. I don't think he went into the Christian book store that was across the street from the school but I can't be sure. Why would a man be dressed in a business suit and be walking around at 3 pm or so in the afternoon? I think he might have been a guardian angel. Anyway, I kept on going and went the long way around to my grandmother's house because I was afraid of a big dog. She didn't lock her doors at that time, it was pretty safe, so I just walked right into her house and she wasn't home, so I called my parents and let them know where I was. They were understandably concerned but they were good to me about it. So I guess I have a bit of an independent mindset sometimes. I don't remember if I was punished for this or not. Don't think so. Another time I stepped into an elevator with two different men, but we weren't going in that direction and I didn't hear them tell me to get off. so I rode the elevator, and stopped at every floor so they could find me. I think they went bananas over it. All they had to do was keep standing there in front of the doors and I would find them and get off. At least that's how I tried to solve the problem!
So no matter what has happened to me in life, I am thankful for my parents. My dad died at the early age of 48, of a heart attack but my mom is still living and she is a great help to me even now. I try my best to be there for her as well. God gave me the best parents I could have had. My Heroes Forever!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Community
My church has a new focus on community. We are a Community of Christ-followers on the Frontlines. Reaching out beyond ourselves to seek God, to being honest in our relationships, and to find our calling within God's mission. We are also participating in 40 days of fasting from various things such as, during the first week we were asked to fast from lunch and do a 24 hour fast at the end of the week. This past week we were to fast from normal routine and spend some time during the day reading and meditating when you would be doing other things and also to build others up and not think about ourselves. This week our focus is on adornment. Not wearing jewelry (except wedding bands) and keep our clothing generic, free from team logos and design labels, and also no perfume or cologne. Let ourselves be the aroma of Christ and find ways to give of ourselves.
I have to be honest and say I have not really participated. I couldn't do the first week because of my diabetes. The second week I just didn't have the opportunities to fulfill any of the suggestions offered to us to complete. This week is a little easier but I'm still finding it hard. One emphasis is that we all be part of a community group. (small groups that meet outside the church every week). I signed up for one but can't get anyone to come pick me up for the meetings so I am left out in the cold once again. I still think there is much work to be done in this area of giving and thinking more of others than yourself. I see a lot of people at church every Sunday and that's the one and only time I am in interaction with them. I could probably do more myself to make contact during the week but so many people work and have families and things to do that I just hesitate. I am the one with all the flexible time and I feel like they should fit me into their schedule when they can. My friends have an open invitation to come and see me anytime, to call me anytime, to email me, or chat on Facebook anytime. But no one comes to see me, no one calls. I get emails sometimes, and chat sometimes. But it's not the emails and the chat I want as part of my life. It's the face to face social interaction. Community is not loneliness. It's togetherness, and camaraderie, and belonging. I could do some calling, but like I said before, people are so busy. Who has the time? So I am having difficulty with this concept of community and serving because I am not able to do as much as some people can. I still feel as lonely as I always have. I wish so much that I were a people person. They seem to be more likeable, to be wanted more by others. All I can do is keep trying. Keep praying. Keep trusting God to bring me what He wants me to have in my life. For after all, community is as community does. He will make me into what He wants me to be and that is a Christ-Follower working on the frontlines to serve Him.
I have to be honest and say I have not really participated. I couldn't do the first week because of my diabetes. The second week I just didn't have the opportunities to fulfill any of the suggestions offered to us to complete. This week is a little easier but I'm still finding it hard. One emphasis is that we all be part of a community group. (small groups that meet outside the church every week). I signed up for one but can't get anyone to come pick me up for the meetings so I am left out in the cold once again. I still think there is much work to be done in this area of giving and thinking more of others than yourself. I see a lot of people at church every Sunday and that's the one and only time I am in interaction with them. I could probably do more myself to make contact during the week but so many people work and have families and things to do that I just hesitate. I am the one with all the flexible time and I feel like they should fit me into their schedule when they can. My friends have an open invitation to come and see me anytime, to call me anytime, to email me, or chat on Facebook anytime. But no one comes to see me, no one calls. I get emails sometimes, and chat sometimes. But it's not the emails and the chat I want as part of my life. It's the face to face social interaction. Community is not loneliness. It's togetherness, and camaraderie, and belonging. I could do some calling, but like I said before, people are so busy. Who has the time? So I am having difficulty with this concept of community and serving because I am not able to do as much as some people can. I still feel as lonely as I always have. I wish so much that I were a people person. They seem to be more likeable, to be wanted more by others. All I can do is keep trying. Keep praying. Keep trusting God to bring me what He wants me to have in my life. For after all, community is as community does. He will make me into what He wants me to be and that is a Christ-Follower working on the frontlines to serve Him.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is Love!
Flowing freely through the days of our lives is the theme that God is love. Over and over again we hear, we read, we see, we feel, the power that is love. In love God made the universe and created human beings in His own image. In love, He sent His Son Jesus to live on the earth and be sinless and eventually to be crucified for our sins and to be raised again to be seated with God in Heaven. What a tremendous message for all of mankind. Yet, so many do not know of this tremendous message. Some of us even forget about this message in the busyness of life. The newness of another day is a reminder of how much God loves us and cares about what happens to us. Even when bad things happen to us, God already knew what we were going to go through and He is prepared to be there to comfort, sustain, be our hope, our strength and our Guide through the trials we face.
Are we willing to let Him be there for us? I try but I sometimes wonder how long He is going to make me wait before things get better for me. I started out really good this year in trying to read my Bible every day and now I've already abandoned it. Another New Year's resolution busted. But I know I can start up again any time. That's the beauty of His Word. It's always there no matter what. Whether the day is good or bad, just so-so or absolutely fabulous, His Word is right there for us to contemplate, discover, share, and savor.
God is Love. His Word is Holy. God is Holy, His Word is Love. Holy Love reaching down, enfolding us in everlasting compassion, tenderness and beauty. I wish we had town criers in every town all across the world just shouting out this fact: "Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is Love! His Word is Holy. You have a Holy Love waiting for you to embrace it. Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is waiting. Come one, come all". And you don't have to wait for a town crier to spread the news. God says: You, Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere, that Jesus Christ is born and that God is Love.
Are we willing to let Him be there for us? I try but I sometimes wonder how long He is going to make me wait before things get better for me. I started out really good this year in trying to read my Bible every day and now I've already abandoned it. Another New Year's resolution busted. But I know I can start up again any time. That's the beauty of His Word. It's always there no matter what. Whether the day is good or bad, just so-so or absolutely fabulous, His Word is right there for us to contemplate, discover, share, and savor.
God is Love. His Word is Holy. God is Holy, His Word is Love. Holy Love reaching down, enfolding us in everlasting compassion, tenderness and beauty. I wish we had town criers in every town all across the world just shouting out this fact: "Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is Love! His Word is Holy. You have a Holy Love waiting for you to embrace it. Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is waiting. Come one, come all". And you don't have to wait for a town crier to spread the news. God says: You, Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere, that Jesus Christ is born and that God is Love.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Short Update
Things are about the same as they were in the fall when I last posted. Still waiting on the disability appeal which should take place in fall 2011. I have been able to start going back to church which is a blessing. I am riding with the couple that used to provide a ride to me before I was married. I have also attended one of the Tuesday ladies' classes at the church. One of my dear friends, Linda Olivet, is teaching the class this quarter. Right now I have plenty of food, still have some canned food from the food bank that I received back in the fall. Just wish I could finish off paying on some bills that are still outstanding but current living just eats everything up. My rent went up 20 dollars in January and my cable bill went up 15 dollars as well. I had to switch pharmacies due to some dispute about upping prices between independent pharmacies and the Teacher Retirement system so my old pharmacy is not taking my insurance card anymore. But thankfully I was able to find a pharmacy that delivers. However they charge 2 dollars per delivery and my old pharmacy delivered for free. I am trying to get back into working on my writing course but I get sidetracked so easily that it is hard to stay focused. I go to the doctor in about 3 weeks for a checkup. Hopefully everything will be ok. I know my A1C (3 month average of blood sugar) will be up and that will be no surprise to me with all the stress I have been under. But I am thankful my doctor is a Christian and that he's a very good doctor.
Thank you all for your prayers and love. Please continue to remember me in prayer whenever you can. I will try to post more often. Just don't have much to write about other than negative stuff and I know no one wants to hear about that. But I believe God is working and He will show me the way.
Thank you all for your prayers and love. Please continue to remember me in prayer whenever you can. I will try to post more often. Just don't have much to write about other than negative stuff and I know no one wants to hear about that. But I believe God is working and He will show me the way.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Abandoned, Forgotten, or Forsaken?
This is not an easy post to write. I say this because you will either care very deeply or you will not care at all.
Most of you are relatively healthy with good marriages, lots of friends, support systems, jobs that earn you a decent living, children that you are busy raising to be good citizens (I hope). You struggle some but the pain or trouble passes fairly quickly. Most of you are devout believers in God, with varying levels of faith, and involvement in your respective beliefs, churches or whatever you choose to put your hope and faith in. I am glad for you.
For many years, I too, had a job, a church that I was heavily involved in, and hopes for a good marriage and friendships. But I now have none of these things. I feel abandoned by my church family, forgotten by what few friends I may have had, and although He says He will never forsake me, I sometimes feel forsaken by my God in whom I strongly believe. For whatever reasons that I just don't know, I have failed to maintain friendships apparently, or else I'm not enough fun to be around. I realize that my lack of transportation has severely limited my ability to be a friend in some cases: to visit those who might be ill, or to help someone out, to get to the church and volunteer, to attend social functions, to attend worship and be seen as one who is a faithful Christian. I am not able to change the fact that I lack the ability to get myself somewhere. Even if I were to learn to drive, I cannot afford a vehicle, gas or insurance on my present retirement salary. I can't even pay all my bills each month or buy groceries. I don't have the funds to take advantage of public transportation like the Trolley, or a taxi every time I need to go somewhere. Although I love to shop, I don't go to the mall. I don't attend church social functions because I don't have the ability to get there without someone else's help. I don't have a best friend who would miss me if I didn't call or write for a few days. I don't have a church family that even misses me when I miss church. I still consider myself to be a member of this church but I can't help but feel abandoned.
I'm not writing this to get you to feel sorry for me. I desperately want my life to be better, and I am waiting very impatiently for a disability appeal hearing that could help me in many ways to improve my lot in life. But I have to wait for another year to a year and a half. If I lose the appeal, my life will go on as it is now. I cannot work at the present because it might jeopardize the appeal. I might have to consider trying to obtain a part time job later but my skills are limited. So in the meantime, I struggle each day with fear, with loneliness, with much worry. I pray but it doesn't seem to help. I don't know if my prayers are just hitting the ceiling and evaporating or what. I do not know why I have to go through this trial, especially alone, but apparently I am supposed to learn something from it. My marriage is over. I would love to try marriage again, but who would have me?
I am in a state of waiting...waiting...waiting. And it's killing me.
I have some debt that to have it paid off would be a tremendous help to get me through the next year. I went through bankruptcy several years ago and believe me I learned my lesson then, so my debt isn't that bad, it's just hard with the fixed amount of money I receive from my retirement each month to pay on everything I owe. I have to choose whether to pay bills or buy groceries. I cannot do both. I have not been to the grocery store this month. I am living off what I bought in September. I have had no bread or milk for over two and a half weeks. I have two rolls of toilet paper and I'm on my last roll of paper towels. I looked into food stamps, but I would need it to cover everything, and it does not cover paper products, medicines, soap, household products, etc. I have two cavities that need to be filled and the estimated cost for me is 204 dollars. the insurance will cover the rest of the estimated 400 dollars it will cost. I have to go to the doctor to get their signature for me to get my diabetes supplies paid through insurance but I can't afford the copay.
I had no inkling when I retired in June 2009 that a year later I would be divorced, living alone, crying every single day, missing my ex husband's pets terribly, and just all around miserable. I guess I made a mistake in quitting work/retiring that I can't change. It's really hard, and I solicit your prayers, and if you can help me in any way, I will gladly accept your help. Please don't hate me for writing about this in this blog. Sometimes people don't realize what others are going through. If there is anything I can pray about for you or do for you, I hope you will let me know. I really struggled with writing these words, You may not believe it but I do not want to be dependent on others. My family helps me when they can but I know they get tired of me always needing something. I don't mean to be needy. I wouldn't want what I am going through to happen to anyone. Thank you for reading this far and God bless you all.
Most of you are relatively healthy with good marriages, lots of friends, support systems, jobs that earn you a decent living, children that you are busy raising to be good citizens (I hope). You struggle some but the pain or trouble passes fairly quickly. Most of you are devout believers in God, with varying levels of faith, and involvement in your respective beliefs, churches or whatever you choose to put your hope and faith in. I am glad for you.
For many years, I too, had a job, a church that I was heavily involved in, and hopes for a good marriage and friendships. But I now have none of these things. I feel abandoned by my church family, forgotten by what few friends I may have had, and although He says He will never forsake me, I sometimes feel forsaken by my God in whom I strongly believe. For whatever reasons that I just don't know, I have failed to maintain friendships apparently, or else I'm not enough fun to be around. I realize that my lack of transportation has severely limited my ability to be a friend in some cases: to visit those who might be ill, or to help someone out, to get to the church and volunteer, to attend social functions, to attend worship and be seen as one who is a faithful Christian. I am not able to change the fact that I lack the ability to get myself somewhere. Even if I were to learn to drive, I cannot afford a vehicle, gas or insurance on my present retirement salary. I can't even pay all my bills each month or buy groceries. I don't have the funds to take advantage of public transportation like the Trolley, or a taxi every time I need to go somewhere. Although I love to shop, I don't go to the mall. I don't attend church social functions because I don't have the ability to get there without someone else's help. I don't have a best friend who would miss me if I didn't call or write for a few days. I don't have a church family that even misses me when I miss church. I still consider myself to be a member of this church but I can't help but feel abandoned.
I'm not writing this to get you to feel sorry for me. I desperately want my life to be better, and I am waiting very impatiently for a disability appeal hearing that could help me in many ways to improve my lot in life. But I have to wait for another year to a year and a half. If I lose the appeal, my life will go on as it is now. I cannot work at the present because it might jeopardize the appeal. I might have to consider trying to obtain a part time job later but my skills are limited. So in the meantime, I struggle each day with fear, with loneliness, with much worry. I pray but it doesn't seem to help. I don't know if my prayers are just hitting the ceiling and evaporating or what. I do not know why I have to go through this trial, especially alone, but apparently I am supposed to learn something from it. My marriage is over. I would love to try marriage again, but who would have me?
I am in a state of waiting...waiting...waiting. And it's killing me.
I have some debt that to have it paid off would be a tremendous help to get me through the next year. I went through bankruptcy several years ago and believe me I learned my lesson then, so my debt isn't that bad, it's just hard with the fixed amount of money I receive from my retirement each month to pay on everything I owe. I have to choose whether to pay bills or buy groceries. I cannot do both. I have not been to the grocery store this month. I am living off what I bought in September. I have had no bread or milk for over two and a half weeks. I have two rolls of toilet paper and I'm on my last roll of paper towels. I looked into food stamps, but I would need it to cover everything, and it does not cover paper products, medicines, soap, household products, etc. I have two cavities that need to be filled and the estimated cost for me is 204 dollars. the insurance will cover the rest of the estimated 400 dollars it will cost. I have to go to the doctor to get their signature for me to get my diabetes supplies paid through insurance but I can't afford the copay.
I had no inkling when I retired in June 2009 that a year later I would be divorced, living alone, crying every single day, missing my ex husband's pets terribly, and just all around miserable. I guess I made a mistake in quitting work/retiring that I can't change. It's really hard, and I solicit your prayers, and if you can help me in any way, I will gladly accept your help. Please don't hate me for writing about this in this blog. Sometimes people don't realize what others are going through. If there is anything I can pray about for you or do for you, I hope you will let me know. I really struggled with writing these words, You may not believe it but I do not want to be dependent on others. My family helps me when they can but I know they get tired of me always needing something. I don't mean to be needy. I wouldn't want what I am going through to happen to anyone. Thank you for reading this far and God bless you all.
Friday, September 24, 2010
September, October, November, and Alabama
Hey ya'll, it's fall! And I wore white shoes a couple of days ago. Gasp! Well, good grief, it's still over 90 degrees here! I am in the midst of a deep depression, but I won't write about that. Instead I will talk about fall, and my favorite word in the fall: football! September, October and November weekends are to die for with Alabama football on Saturdays. With luck and fab playing by the team, we will extend these Saturday orgasmic delights into December and January by appointment only Saturdays (meaning the SEC championship game and whatever bowl game might lock us in). Joy!
Ingram, Richardson, Hightower, McElroy, Maze, Dial. These are some names on the roster of the team. I am forgetting others who are just as talented and important to the team. If you are not familiar with these names you must study up! And remind me if you will of other good names! Auburn fans, I am sorry but your turn is coming again, when you will be defeated, demoralized, and demeaned for another year. Thank goodness it's around Thanksgiving, when we can give thanks for good Tiger stew!
We are about to chow down on the Hogs and then next week we will fry up some Gator meat. These are two exciting games to look forward to. October is coming and that is the heart of the season, when practice and teamwork must be honed to the finest detail. Now I'm about to switch gears a little, so hold on to your Alabama cap.
That said, I am thinking that life is a lot like a football team. Even with practice, some mistakes are made. Even with years of experience behind you, sometimes the decision is not the right one to be made. But like Coach Saban, who is a discipline man, so is our God. He expects us to put our trust in Him just like the players on the team trust Coach Saban and his assistants to teach them how to play football. God teaches us how to live life. After all, He gave us life, why should He not carry us through it? If you don't even glance at your Bible every day, you are missing out on some of the choicest words put together that were ever assembled together in a book. I have cried the last two days at how God has directed my reading to encourage me in the midst of what I am going through. I know God wants to bless you too. So find your Bible, dust it off and start reading! If you need a Bible reading plan, you can find one on the internet. I am using the One Year Bible plan.
Some think that Paul "Bear" Bryant is/was God. Not hardly. But Gene Stallings almost is. Yes, I jest. But that is just how important some people feel about football and the people who are involved with it. I submit that many of these men are mere mortals who depend on the Father for their direction in teaching these young men how to play football and how to capture the essence of life while they are young. Look to their example and teach the young and the old around you about the joy of living for the Lord.
I believe God is with me every day. He will be with me as I watch the game tomorrow and cheer for my Alabama Crimson Tide football team. Somebody has to win the game and somebody has to lose the game. The players on the losing team will be upset, disappointed and maybe depressed. But God will be with them and will encourage them just as He will the winning team. That's the beauty of God. Embrace Him and enjoy Him.
Roll Tide everybody!
Ingram, Richardson, Hightower, McElroy, Maze, Dial. These are some names on the roster of the team. I am forgetting others who are just as talented and important to the team. If you are not familiar with these names you must study up! And remind me if you will of other good names! Auburn fans, I am sorry but your turn is coming again, when you will be defeated, demoralized, and demeaned for another year. Thank goodness it's around Thanksgiving, when we can give thanks for good Tiger stew!
We are about to chow down on the Hogs and then next week we will fry up some Gator meat. These are two exciting games to look forward to. October is coming and that is the heart of the season, when practice and teamwork must be honed to the finest detail. Now I'm about to switch gears a little, so hold on to your Alabama cap.
That said, I am thinking that life is a lot like a football team. Even with practice, some mistakes are made. Even with years of experience behind you, sometimes the decision is not the right one to be made. But like Coach Saban, who is a discipline man, so is our God. He expects us to put our trust in Him just like the players on the team trust Coach Saban and his assistants to teach them how to play football. God teaches us how to live life. After all, He gave us life, why should He not carry us through it? If you don't even glance at your Bible every day, you are missing out on some of the choicest words put together that were ever assembled together in a book. I have cried the last two days at how God has directed my reading to encourage me in the midst of what I am going through. I know God wants to bless you too. So find your Bible, dust it off and start reading! If you need a Bible reading plan, you can find one on the internet. I am using the One Year Bible plan.
Some think that Paul "Bear" Bryant is/was God. Not hardly. But Gene Stallings almost is. Yes, I jest. But that is just how important some people feel about football and the people who are involved with it. I submit that many of these men are mere mortals who depend on the Father for their direction in teaching these young men how to play football and how to capture the essence of life while they are young. Look to their example and teach the young and the old around you about the joy of living for the Lord.
I believe God is with me every day. He will be with me as I watch the game tomorrow and cheer for my Alabama Crimson Tide football team. Somebody has to win the game and somebody has to lose the game. The players on the losing team will be upset, disappointed and maybe depressed. But God will be with them and will encourage them just as He will the winning team. That's the beauty of God. Embrace Him and enjoy Him.
Roll Tide everybody!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Two Hours and Forty Minutes a Day
My moving's done. I'm fairly settled in. A good many more pictures to hang, but then I'm really settled. I didn't have too many pictures hung up at the house so it is nice to have all my familiar things around me once more. I just wish I could find my gray Alabama t-shirt and my small black purse. That is really nagging at me. So...what do I do with myself now? Watch tv, watch movies, play games on the computer, check Facebook compulsively, check my regular emails, and check my Incredimail emails, or I could create new Incredimail letters. so many choices. Hmmm, but I am leaving something out. It's my quiet time. But it's always quiet time around here so I need another name for it. I used to have one for it, but now I can't remember what it is. There's a sure sign I'm getting old! Maybe it was called my reflection time?? Anywhoo, I have been thinking about that and recalling the directive we have in Malachi to give a tenth of what we have earned back to God. I have always liked the idea of giving back my time to God as well and I have tried to do this in the past with not much success.
I am thinking I would like to give it a try again. To spend 2 hours and 40 minutes a day in prayer, reading the Bible, singing or reading some other inspirational work. I have tried to do it all at once but that is hard. I am thinking I might divide it into 1 hour and 20 minute segments so that I will be less distracted. It will be something to look forward to after I have done it for awhile I think. Maybe this will help me in my spiritual life not to feel so lost, especially since I am not able to attend church as I would like to.
If anyone has prayer requests at any time, please feel free to make your requests known.
Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me. Your friendship and support is deeply appreciated.
I am thinking I would like to give it a try again. To spend 2 hours and 40 minutes a day in prayer, reading the Bible, singing or reading some other inspirational work. I have tried to do it all at once but that is hard. I am thinking I might divide it into 1 hour and 20 minute segments so that I will be less distracted. It will be something to look forward to after I have done it for awhile I think. Maybe this will help me in my spiritual life not to feel so lost, especially since I am not able to attend church as I would like to.
If anyone has prayer requests at any time, please feel free to make your requests known.
Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me. Your friendship and support is deeply appreciated.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wanting and Being Wanted
No, I'm not talking about the FBI's Most Wanted List. That would be criminal of me. I'm talking about just getting through each day at a time wanting certain things, waiting on God and never seeming to hear an answer. The hot and cold of one day believing, the next day, not being so sure He's there for me. I sit and watch HGTV for hours on end looking at what other people have on the house and decorating shows, knowing I'm never gonna have that beach hideaway, or that money to take a cruise. Or even that nice house with the granite countertops in the kitchen and the walk in closets that I don't rent, but OWN. In spite of the fact that it depresses me to see what other people have, I do enjoy watching these shows because I feel like I learn from them. I may never know the joy of owning my home, but neither will I face the panic of not having the money to buy that new heating/cooling system that it needs or actually have to learn what weeds to pull in the yard or that ridiculous monthly mortgage payment. I'm 53 years old, got married at 50 after waiting for years and making some mistakes along the way in my quest to find eternal bliss in married life. Fast forward three years later, now divorced and in the midst of an ongoing panic attack over the direction my life is headed. Back to apartment living, being alone, depending on many others to help me, rather than having a husband to gain mutual support and help from. I'm not sure that anybody really needs me, but I sure need them. What could I do for anyone anyway? I have no money, I have no real skills to offer except to be a friend and listen. But I don't get to do that very often. I spent 25 years in a job that offered no way out. I never felt wanted there. I don't feel wanted anywhere. Just taking up space. I want to be wanted. Very badly.
I'm supposed to be able to write. Write what? I don't seem to qualify for any writing jobs out there. I have no other skills to fall back on to get any type of work. My cooking skills are too limited for restaurant cooking, my hearing is bad, my vision is bad, so I would be bad at answering phones or sewing clothes. I don't even know what direction this blog entry is going. I'm just blindly typing my thoughts as they occur. Don't even know if it all makes any sense. But I do want to say I haven't given up on God, I remember when He spoke to me and told me that He would give me a husband. But I didn't know I'd have to wait ten years. I remember when He gave me a dream that told me I was never going to have a certain recurring nightmare again. It has been 13 years since I've had those dreams and they have not come back.
I am tired of wanting things like security, a nice home, friends who really do want to spend time with me and not having them. I would love to be championed by someone who believes in me. I guess that's God's job. But I don't know what He's waiting on. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Where am I supposed to live? What do I do these next four weeks or so while I am getting ready to move? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I would like to have another chance at marriage and get it right, but don't know if I deserve that. I'm not looking. God is going to have to bring him to me this time. It's gonna be His choice all the way. Without a doubt. And if God wants me for himself, then that's the way it's going to be.Wanting Trusting God to lead me in the direction He has prepared for me in all phases of my life, that's what's important. Should be an exciting few weeks coming up! Stay tuned!
I'm supposed to be able to write. Write what? I don't seem to qualify for any writing jobs out there. I have no other skills to fall back on to get any type of work. My cooking skills are too limited for restaurant cooking, my hearing is bad, my vision is bad, so I would be bad at answering phones or sewing clothes. I don't even know what direction this blog entry is going. I'm just blindly typing my thoughts as they occur. Don't even know if it all makes any sense. But I do want to say I haven't given up on God, I remember when He spoke to me and told me that He would give me a husband. But I didn't know I'd have to wait ten years. I remember when He gave me a dream that told me I was never going to have a certain recurring nightmare again. It has been 13 years since I've had those dreams and they have not come back.
I am tired of wanting things like security, a nice home, friends who really do want to spend time with me and not having them. I would love to be championed by someone who believes in me. I guess that's God's job. But I don't know what He's waiting on. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Where am I supposed to live? What do I do these next four weeks or so while I am getting ready to move? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I would like to have another chance at marriage and get it right, but don't know if I deserve that. I'm not looking. God is going to have to bring him to me this time. It's gonna be His choice all the way. Without a doubt. And if God wants me for himself, then that's the way it's going to be.
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