No, I'm not talking about the FBI's Most Wanted List. That would be criminal of me. I'm talking about just getting through each day at a time wanting certain things, waiting on God and never seeming to hear an answer. The hot and cold of one day believing, the next day, not being so sure He's there for me. I sit and watch HGTV for hours on end looking at what other people have on the house and decorating shows, knowing I'm never gonna have that beach hideaway, or that money to take a cruise. Or even that nice house with the granite countertops in the kitchen and the walk in closets that I don't rent, but OWN. In spite of the fact that it depresses me to see what other people have, I do enjoy watching these shows because I feel like I learn from them. I may never know the joy of owning my home, but neither will I face the panic of not having the money to buy that new heating/cooling system that it needs or actually have to learn what weeds to pull in the yard or that ridiculous monthly mortgage payment. I'm 53 years old, got married at 50 after waiting for years and making some mistakes along the way in my quest to find eternal bliss in married life. Fast forward three years later, now divorced and in the midst of an ongoing panic attack over the direction my life is headed. Back to apartment living, being alone, depending on many others to help me, rather than having a husband to gain mutual support and help from. I'm not sure that anybody really needs me, but I sure need them. What could I do for anyone anyway? I have no money, I have no real skills to offer except to be a friend and listen. But I don't get to do that very often. I spent 25 years in a job that offered no way out. I never felt wanted there. I don't feel wanted anywhere. Just taking up space. I want to be wanted. Very badly.
I'm supposed to be able to write. Write what? I don't seem to qualify for any writing jobs out there. I have no other skills to fall back on to get any type of work. My cooking skills are too limited for restaurant cooking, my hearing is bad, my vision is bad, so I would be bad at answering phones or sewing clothes. I don't even know what direction this blog entry is going. I'm just blindly typing my thoughts as they occur. Don't even know if it all makes any sense. But I do want to say I haven't given up on God, I remember when He spoke to me and told me that He would give me a husband. But I didn't know I'd have to wait ten years. I remember when He gave me a dream that told me I was never going to have a certain recurring nightmare again. It has been 13 years since I've had those dreams and they have not come back.
I am tired of wanting things like security, a nice home, friends who really do want to spend time with me and not having them. I would love to be championed by someone who believes in me. I guess that's God's job. But I don't know what He's waiting on. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Where am I supposed to live? What do I do these next four weeks or so while I am getting ready to move? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I would like to have another chance at marriage and get it right, but don't know if I deserve that. I'm not looking. God is going to have to bring him to me this time. It's gonna be His choice all the way. Without a doubt. And if God wants me for himself, then that's the way it's going to be.
Wanting Trusting God to lead me in the direction He has prepared for me in all phases of my life, that's what's important. Should be an exciting few weeks coming up! Stay tuned!
