Mini Bucket List

Just thinking of things I would like to do before I am too old to to do them. Thought I would share because I know you will be so excited relieved to know I don't just sit all day and do nothing.
1.  At least one more trip to the beach.  It's been over twenty years since I have been.  My niece and nephew were very small children when I was last with them there, and now they are in their twenties.  My, how time flies.

2.  get my disability appeal over with, win and get all my debt paid off.

3.  do some traveling

 

 

 

Grand Hotel, Mackinac Island, Michigan

White House, Washington, D.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ireland

Biltmore Estate, Asheville, N. C.

Green Gables House, Prince Edward Island, Canada

4.  Sponsor at least one child through Christian Relief Fund.

5.  Live in a house again and be married to a good and decent man.

 That's all, folks.  If you think of anything else I should do, let me know.

Just Too Much

I keep praying and nothing happens.  I listen to others who are in even more dire straits than I am and my heart aches to help them and I can't. My tears won't stop.  My heart keeps pounding away inside my chest and won't quit.  I'm still here. For what? I feel like I'm just taking up space and not fulfilling any kind of mission I have on this earth.  I need relief, Lord.  Others who will remain nameless need relief.  Please Lord help us.  We can't survive without help.  Help in the form of money, food, shelter, jobs.  I can't keep going on like this every day.  Not knowing what to do, where to turn, how to ask for what I need.  And yet even if I had my needs met, there are still others who need help too.  Where do they turn, what do they do, how do they ask for what they need?  Then the old tried and true scripture comes to mind: "Ask and it will be given you, Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks, finds, and to him who knocks the door will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV)

I know that people are probably very tired of hearing about my situation and I'm very sorry about that.  I don't want to bother anyone with my troubles.  If I had good news I would share it.  If I didn't need anything I wouldn't ask.  The depression, the weariness, the mental exhaustion of worry just eats away at me each day and then I learn that others struggle too and I feel guilty because I am not able to help them.  All I can say is that I will pray.  So in case anyone wonders, I have shelter, I have a little food, but not enough money to stock back up for a month. Having diabetes makes it even harder to buy the things that are ok for me. I have outstanding bills I need to pay.  Rent and utilities are paid.  I am behind on my medicine bill and diabetes supplies co-pays.  But other bills still eat away at my conscience.  I am still waiting on the disability hearing.  Until then, each month is a struggle.  I just want an end to the worst year ever. Even if all my debts were to be paid in full before I receive the disability money, I would still have only about 83 dollars per month to spend on groceries.  So nothing will really help me but having this disability money or winning a lottery.  But I'm not playing any lotteries. I have to have health insurance.  I pay my rent so I have a place to live.  But after these are taken out of my retirement check, I then have only 320 dollars a month left for bills and groceries.  You say why don't you get a job?  Well, I'm waiting to find out if I will get disability.  Till I know something I can't go out and get a job because it might jeopardize my chances of winning the appeal. The whole point of getting disability is because you are not able to work. Because of my vision and hearing impairments as well as the diabetes I feel like I should no longer try to work and because I don't drive, my job choices are very limited.

So I feel my best choice is to have this disability money, especially since I am single and I see no new marriage in my future. If I am denied, and I have to work, I might be able to do some work from home on the computer. It's really a complicated thing and so uncertain.  I feel so like a ship without an anchor right now.
Anyway, this is what's going on and how I am feeling right now.  Hopeless, defeated, anxious, worried for myself and for others I know who are struggling also.  I know there is power in prayer and God's timing is always best.  I just need help. Please?

My Home is Tuscaloosa

It's been a month and a few days now since that awful day of April 27 when a tornado slashed the city of Tuscaloosa from one end to the other.  43 lives were lost, hundreds more injured. Scores of homes and businesses damaged or totally destroyed.  This day will not ever be forgotten.  Last night our city held a candlelight vigil in memory of those lost in the storm.   I was not privileged to attend but I have seen photos of the event and it looks like an awesome experience.  We have a top notch mayor in Walt Maddox and he is truly a fine leader who cares about our city.
I first moved to Tuscaloosa from the small of town of Fayette, Alabama in the summer of 1966. We moved because my dad and another gentleman bought a Jerry's restaurant franchise. We lived in the Cherrydale neighborhood south of Hargrove Road and my sister and I attended elementary school at University Place.  She was in the first grade and I was in the 4th grade.  When it was time for me to switch schools in 7th grade I went to Eastwood Junior High School.  We moved away in the fall of 1970 just as I was beginning the 8th grade.  Years away from Tuscaloosa did not make me forget this wonderful town.  I came back to attend the University of Alabama after attending two other colleges.  I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in History, went to graduate school and obtained a Masters in Library Studies.  I started working at the University of Alabama library in the fall of 1984.  I worked there for 25 years until I retired in June 2009.  Tuscaloosa has been my home for more than half of my life and even when we lived in Fayette we came to Tuscaloosa to shop quite frequently.  When I was old enough to understand what was going on in the sports world, I chose to root for the Alabama Crimson Tide because they were doing better than Auburn at the time.  Joe Namath was the quarterback and he was no. 12.  I was born on 12/12.  Guess what my favorite number is?  Of course!  It's 12!  Yes, I am looking forward to 12/12/2012.  That year I will be 56 years old and I was born in 1956.  So strange isn't it?
Anyway, I digress.  Back to Tuscaloosa.  I have seen this city grow so much in the span of my lifetime.  I remember the building of McFarland Mall and the building of University Mall.  I remember when there was nothing but grass where McFarland Boulevard is now.  My apologies to those who are reading who know nothing about Tuscaloosa.  It's just that I have so memories built up in this town and so many precious friends and neighbors that I care about.  It's so hard to describe what Tuscaloosa means to me and how sad I am to see the devastation caused by this behemoth of nature that roared through this city on April 27.
My friend Rachel Remenih graciously agreed to let me post some pictures that she took of the devastation here since I have not been able to get out and get pictures taken. Here they are.  It truly takes your breath away.

I can't tell you anything about these pictures since I didn't take them but they give some idea of the destruction that is rampant here.  Pictures don't do the damage justice.  You have to see it and then you still don't comprehend.  So many people are without jobs, homes, favorite stores, restaurants, etc.  A way of life has ended here.  We now have what is called a "new normal".  I hate that phrase but it's the only way we can describe the day to day existence in Tuscaloosa now.  Many of us were spared the loss of our homes and family members or friends, but we are still affected.  We may know someone who experienced that loss or losses.  We can't shop at Hobby Lobby right now or eat at Full Moon Barbeque because they are gone. Big Lots is leveled.  Forest Lake looks like a war zone. The lake is still there but nothing looks the same.
When I read or hear anything about the tornado, the devastation, the people that have been affected by this tragedy, I immediately start crying. It's an instantaneous reaction.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  I have a hard time believing that I live in a federal disaster area. But that is the new reality.  Removal of debris has begun and repair has started on damaged homes.  But it will be a very long time before we are built back up.  But we will be better and bigger. Hopefully prepared for the next time this happens, but Lord willing, it never will.  My home is Tuscaloosa.  My heart belongs to Tuscaloosa. My faith is in the God of this city, Tuscaloosa. God Bless Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA. 

Iota Incomprehensible

• iota
• \eye-OH-tuh\

noun


1

: the 9th letter of the Greek alphabet

2

: an infinitesimal amount : jot

 

This is what Merriam Webster dictionary online says is the definition of iota. An interesting word. I don't use it very often because I just can't think that small. But one way I can think of to use it is that we have not got an iota of understanding of how much God loves us. In other words even though we know that He gave His only Son to die for us, we still can't fathom how much love that is.  Otherwise, we would spend every waking moment of our lives in complete and utter obedience to God. I am just as guilty of not being obedient as anyone else. 

But I am thankful for the mercies of a loving and just Father who forgives me when I make mistakes, when I am forgetful of his presence, and when I don't love my fellow human beings as much as I should.

In another humorous way we can mispronounce the word as "I oughta".  I sometimes wonder if I oughta give an iota about some things the world takes seriously, like money, fame, big house, celebrity status.  But then I remember that we can't take it with us when we die.  All we leave behind is our reputation.  I would rather have a ginormous reputation for thoughtfulness, kindness, respect, love for others, gentleness, faithfulness than to have a huge bank account and fear of people because I wouldn't know if they want to know me for me or for my money.    So iota is actually a big word even though it means a small amount.  Because God can do so much more with our lives than the iota that we can do with ourselves.  God can move mountains.  He can calm a stormy sea.  He can take the faith that is as small as a mustard seed and the iota of hope we have and do big things.  I have struggled with this a lot in the last year. I know that most people know that I am waiting on a disability appeal hearing that should take place this fall or in the spring of 2012.  I filed the appeal in September 2010.  It has been the longest, most frightening year of my life.  I struggle with loneliness, and fear nearly every day.  I don't like living alone.  I don't like not having enough money to pay on all my bills each month. I don't like stressing over having enough to eat.  I especially don't like not being able to give to others who are hurting just as much or more as I am.  I am not able to adopt because i don't want to be a single parent.  I'm too old now anyway.  But I want desperately to be able to afford to sponsor a child through some organization.  I want to rescue a sweet kitty out of a shelter and give him/her a home. I think I could do that but I can't do it right now.  But I am hanging on to an iota of hope that I will be able to do all this eventually.  That with prayers of thanksgiving for the avenue of hope God offers me through His word that I will come out of this dark valley into a fresh and renewed perspective on life.  I want to glorify God and be a reflection of Christ to the world around me, not just an iota bit, but in every way.