This is not an easy post to write. I say this because you will either care very deeply or you will not care at all.
Most of you are relatively healthy with good marriages, lots of friends, support systems, jobs that earn you a decent living, children that you are busy raising to be good citizens (I hope). You struggle some but the pain or trouble passes fairly quickly. Most of you are devout believers in God, with varying levels of faith, and involvement in your respective beliefs, churches or whatever you choose to put your hope and faith in. I am glad for you.
For many years, I too, had a job, a church that I was heavily involved in, and hopes for a good marriage and friendships. But I now have none of these things. I feel abandoned by my church family, forgotten by what few friends I may have had, and although He says He will never forsake me, I sometimes feel forsaken by my God in whom I strongly believe. For whatever reasons that I just don't know, I have failed to maintain friendships apparently, or else I'm not enough fun to be around. I realize that my lack of transportation has severely limited my ability to be a friend in some cases: to visit those who might be ill, or to help someone out, to get to the church and volunteer, to attend social functions, to attend worship and be seen as one who is a faithful Christian. I am not able to change the fact that I lack the ability to get myself somewhere. Even if I were to learn to drive, I cannot afford a vehicle, gas or insurance on my present retirement salary. I can't even pay all my bills each month or buy groceries. I don't have the funds to take advantage of public transportation like the Trolley, or a taxi every time I need to go somewhere. Although I love to shop, I don't go to the mall. I don't attend church social functions because I don't have the ability to get there without someone else's help. I don't have a best friend who would miss me if I didn't call or write for a few days. I don't have a church family that even misses me when I miss church. I still consider myself to be a member of this church but I can't help but feel abandoned.
I'm not writing this to get you to feel sorry for me. I desperately want my life to be better, and I am waiting very impatiently for a disability appeal hearing that could help me in many ways to improve my lot in life. But I have to wait for another year to a year and a half. If I lose the appeal, my life will go on as it is now. I cannot work at the present because it might jeopardize the appeal. I might have to consider trying to obtain a part time job later but my skills are limited. So in the meantime, I struggle each day with fear, with loneliness, with much worry. I pray but it doesn't seem to help. I don't know if my prayers are just hitting the ceiling and evaporating or what. I do not know why I have to go through this trial, especially alone, but apparently I am supposed to learn something from it. My marriage is over. I would love to try marriage again, but who would have me?
I am in a state of waiting...waiting...waiting. And it's killing me.
I have some debt that to have it paid off would be a tremendous help to get me through the next year. I went through bankruptcy several years ago and believe me I learned my lesson then, so my debt isn't that bad, it's just hard with the fixed amount of money I receive from my retirement each month to pay on everything I owe. I have to choose whether to pay bills or buy groceries. I cannot do both. I have not been to the grocery store this month. I am living off what I bought in September. I have had no bread or milk for over two and a half weeks. I have two rolls of toilet paper and I'm on my last roll of paper towels. I looked into food stamps, but I would need it to cover everything, and it does not cover paper products, medicines, soap, household products, etc. I have two cavities that need to be filled and the estimated cost for me is 204 dollars. the insurance will cover the rest of the estimated 400 dollars it will cost. I have to go to the doctor to get their signature for me to get my diabetes supplies paid through insurance but I can't afford the copay.
I had no inkling when I retired in June 2009 that a year later I would be divorced, living alone, crying every single day, missing my ex husband's pets terribly, and just all around miserable. I guess I made a mistake in quitting work/retiring that I can't change. It's really hard, and I solicit your prayers, and if you can help me in any way, I will gladly accept your help. Please don't hate me for writing about this in this blog. Sometimes people don't realize what others are going through. If there is anything I can pray about for you or do for you, I hope you will let me know. I really struggled with writing these words, You may not believe it but I do not want to be dependent on others. My family helps me when they can but I know they get tired of me always needing something. I don't mean to be needy. I wouldn't want what I am going through to happen to anyone. Thank you for reading this far and God bless you all.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
September, October, November, and Alabama
Hey ya'll, it's fall! And I wore white shoes a couple of days ago. Gasp! Well, good grief, it's still over 90 degrees here! I am in the midst of a deep depression, but I won't write about that. Instead I will talk about fall, and my favorite word in the fall: football! September, October and November weekends are to die for with Alabama football on Saturdays. With luck and fab playing by the team, we will extend these Saturday orgasmic delights into December and January by appointment only Saturdays (meaning the SEC championship game and whatever bowl game might lock us in). Joy!
Ingram, Richardson, Hightower, McElroy, Maze, Dial. These are some names on the roster of the team. I am forgetting others who are just as talented and important to the team. If you are not familiar with these names you must study up! And remind me if you will of other good names! Auburn fans, I am sorry but your turn is coming again, when you will be defeated, demoralized, and demeaned for another year. Thank goodness it's around Thanksgiving, when we can give thanks for good Tiger stew!
We are about to chow down on the Hogs and then next week we will fry up some Gator meat. These are two exciting games to look forward to. October is coming and that is the heart of the season, when practice and teamwork must be honed to the finest detail. Now I'm about to switch gears a little, so hold on to your Alabama cap.
That said, I am thinking that life is a lot like a football team. Even with practice, some mistakes are made. Even with years of experience behind you, sometimes the decision is not the right one to be made. But like Coach Saban, who is a discipline man, so is our God. He expects us to put our trust in Him just like the players on the team trust Coach Saban and his assistants to teach them how to play football. God teaches us how to live life. After all, He gave us life, why should He not carry us through it? If you don't even glance at your Bible every day, you are missing out on some of the choicest words put together that were ever assembled together in a book. I have cried the last two days at how God has directed my reading to encourage me in the midst of what I am going through. I know God wants to bless you too. So find your Bible, dust it off and start reading! If you need a Bible reading plan, you can find one on the internet. I am using the One Year Bible plan.
Some think that Paul "Bear" Bryant is/was God. Not hardly. But Gene Stallings almost is. Yes, I jest. But that is just how important some people feel about football and the people who are involved with it. I submit that many of these men are mere mortals who depend on the Father for their direction in teaching these young men how to play football and how to capture the essence of life while they are young. Look to their example and teach the young and the old around you about the joy of living for the Lord.
I believe God is with me every day. He will be with me as I watch the game tomorrow and cheer for my Alabama Crimson Tide football team. Somebody has to win the game and somebody has to lose the game. The players on the losing team will be upset, disappointed and maybe depressed. But God will be with them and will encourage them just as He will the winning team. That's the beauty of God. Embrace Him and enjoy Him.
Roll Tide everybody!
Ingram, Richardson, Hightower, McElroy, Maze, Dial. These are some names on the roster of the team. I am forgetting others who are just as talented and important to the team. If you are not familiar with these names you must study up! And remind me if you will of other good names! Auburn fans, I am sorry but your turn is coming again, when you will be defeated, demoralized, and demeaned for another year. Thank goodness it's around Thanksgiving, when we can give thanks for good Tiger stew!
We are about to chow down on the Hogs and then next week we will fry up some Gator meat. These are two exciting games to look forward to. October is coming and that is the heart of the season, when practice and teamwork must be honed to the finest detail. Now I'm about to switch gears a little, so hold on to your Alabama cap.
That said, I am thinking that life is a lot like a football team. Even with practice, some mistakes are made. Even with years of experience behind you, sometimes the decision is not the right one to be made. But like Coach Saban, who is a discipline man, so is our God. He expects us to put our trust in Him just like the players on the team trust Coach Saban and his assistants to teach them how to play football. God teaches us how to live life. After all, He gave us life, why should He not carry us through it? If you don't even glance at your Bible every day, you are missing out on some of the choicest words put together that were ever assembled together in a book. I have cried the last two days at how God has directed my reading to encourage me in the midst of what I am going through. I know God wants to bless you too. So find your Bible, dust it off and start reading! If you need a Bible reading plan, you can find one on the internet. I am using the One Year Bible plan.
Some think that Paul "Bear" Bryant is/was God. Not hardly. But Gene Stallings almost is. Yes, I jest. But that is just how important some people feel about football and the people who are involved with it. I submit that many of these men are mere mortals who depend on the Father for their direction in teaching these young men how to play football and how to capture the essence of life while they are young. Look to their example and teach the young and the old around you about the joy of living for the Lord.
I believe God is with me every day. He will be with me as I watch the game tomorrow and cheer for my Alabama Crimson Tide football team. Somebody has to win the game and somebody has to lose the game. The players on the losing team will be upset, disappointed and maybe depressed. But God will be with them and will encourage them just as He will the winning team. That's the beauty of God. Embrace Him and enjoy Him.
Roll Tide everybody!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Two Hours and Forty Minutes a Day
My moving's done. I'm fairly settled in. A good many more pictures to hang, but then I'm really settled. I didn't have too many pictures hung up at the house so it is nice to have all my familiar things around me once more. I just wish I could find my gray Alabama t-shirt and my small black purse. That is really nagging at me. So...what do I do with myself now? Watch tv, watch movies, play games on the computer, check Facebook compulsively, check my regular emails, and check my Incredimail emails, or I could create new Incredimail letters. so many choices. Hmmm, but I am leaving something out. It's my quiet time. But it's always quiet time around here so I need another name for it. I used to have one for it, but now I can't remember what it is. There's a sure sign I'm getting old! Maybe it was called my reflection time?? Anywhoo, I have been thinking about that and recalling the directive we have in Malachi to give a tenth of what we have earned back to God. I have always liked the idea of giving back my time to God as well and I have tried to do this in the past with not much success.
I am thinking I would like to give it a try again. To spend 2 hours and 40 minutes a day in prayer, reading the Bible, singing or reading some other inspirational work. I have tried to do it all at once but that is hard. I am thinking I might divide it into 1 hour and 20 minute segments so that I will be less distracted. It will be something to look forward to after I have done it for awhile I think. Maybe this will help me in my spiritual life not to feel so lost, especially since I am not able to attend church as I would like to.
If anyone has prayer requests at any time, please feel free to make your requests known.
Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me. Your friendship and support is deeply appreciated.
I am thinking I would like to give it a try again. To spend 2 hours and 40 minutes a day in prayer, reading the Bible, singing or reading some other inspirational work. I have tried to do it all at once but that is hard. I am thinking I might divide it into 1 hour and 20 minute segments so that I will be less distracted. It will be something to look forward to after I have done it for awhile I think. Maybe this will help me in my spiritual life not to feel so lost, especially since I am not able to attend church as I would like to.
If anyone has prayer requests at any time, please feel free to make your requests known.
Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me. Your friendship and support is deeply appreciated.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wanting and Being Wanted
No, I'm not talking about the FBI's Most Wanted List. That would be criminal of me. I'm talking about just getting through each day at a time wanting certain things, waiting on God and never seeming to hear an answer. The hot and cold of one day believing, the next day, not being so sure He's there for me. I sit and watch HGTV for hours on end looking at what other people have on the house and decorating shows, knowing I'm never gonna have that beach hideaway, or that money to take a cruise. Or even that nice house with the granite countertops in the kitchen and the walk in closets that I don't rent, but OWN. In spite of the fact that it depresses me to see what other people have, I do enjoy watching these shows because I feel like I learn from them. I may never know the joy of owning my home, but neither will I face the panic of not having the money to buy that new heating/cooling system that it needs or actually have to learn what weeds to pull in the yard or that ridiculous monthly mortgage payment. I'm 53 years old, got married at 50 after waiting for years and making some mistakes along the way in my quest to find eternal bliss in married life. Fast forward three years later, now divorced and in the midst of an ongoing panic attack over the direction my life is headed. Back to apartment living, being alone, depending on many others to help me, rather than having a husband to gain mutual support and help from. I'm not sure that anybody really needs me, but I sure need them. What could I do for anyone anyway? I have no money, I have no real skills to offer except to be a friend and listen. But I don't get to do that very often. I spent 25 years in a job that offered no way out. I never felt wanted there. I don't feel wanted anywhere. Just taking up space. I want to be wanted. Very badly.
I'm supposed to be able to write. Write what? I don't seem to qualify for any writing jobs out there. I have no other skills to fall back on to get any type of work. My cooking skills are too limited for restaurant cooking, my hearing is bad, my vision is bad, so I would be bad at answering phones or sewing clothes. I don't even know what direction this blog entry is going. I'm just blindly typing my thoughts as they occur. Don't even know if it all makes any sense. But I do want to say I haven't given up on God, I remember when He spoke to me and told me that He would give me a husband. But I didn't know I'd have to wait ten years. I remember when He gave me a dream that told me I was never going to have a certain recurring nightmare again. It has been 13 years since I've had those dreams and they have not come back.
I am tired of wanting things like security, a nice home, friends who really do want to spend time with me and not having them. I would love to be championed by someone who believes in me. I guess that's God's job. But I don't know what He's waiting on. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Where am I supposed to live? What do I do these next four weeks or so while I am getting ready to move? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I would like to have another chance at marriage and get it right, but don't know if I deserve that. I'm not looking. God is going to have to bring him to me this time. It's gonna be His choice all the way. Without a doubt. And if God wants me for himself, then that's the way it's going to be.Wanting Trusting God to lead me in the direction He has prepared for me in all phases of my life, that's what's important. Should be an exciting few weeks coming up! Stay tuned!
I'm supposed to be able to write. Write what? I don't seem to qualify for any writing jobs out there. I have no other skills to fall back on to get any type of work. My cooking skills are too limited for restaurant cooking, my hearing is bad, my vision is bad, so I would be bad at answering phones or sewing clothes. I don't even know what direction this blog entry is going. I'm just blindly typing my thoughts as they occur. Don't even know if it all makes any sense. But I do want to say I haven't given up on God, I remember when He spoke to me and told me that He would give me a husband. But I didn't know I'd have to wait ten years. I remember when He gave me a dream that told me I was never going to have a certain recurring nightmare again. It has been 13 years since I've had those dreams and they have not come back.
I am tired of wanting things like security, a nice home, friends who really do want to spend time with me and not having them. I would love to be championed by someone who believes in me. I guess that's God's job. But I don't know what He's waiting on. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Where am I supposed to live? What do I do these next four weeks or so while I am getting ready to move? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I would like to have another chance at marriage and get it right, but don't know if I deserve that. I'm not looking. God is going to have to bring him to me this time. It's gonna be His choice all the way. Without a doubt. And if God wants me for himself, then that's the way it's going to be.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Hoarders and other stuff
I have become quite interested in the phenomenon of hoarding. I never knew that such a thing existed till I started watching a tv show on A&E network called Hoarders. It is quite fascinating how people with this affliction survive and live. I am no psychiatrist but here is my explanation of what it is. Hoarding is an illness whereby people get emotionally attached to things to such an extent that they cannot part with even the trash they may have in their homes. A lot of them are compulsive shoppers and they go out and buy things they don't even need. Most of these homes they show have piles and piles in every room with items and trash so that you cannot even walk in the rooms. One woman could not get to her bathroom so that she had two years of used adult diapers in trash bags in her house. One man had 500,000 beer cans he was collecting.
I guess I am what you would call a pack rat. I am also sentimental and I am afraid I will forget the memories that I want to keep if I should throw something out, which happens to also be a trait of a hoarder. But I can throw things away, I just put off doing it. Very much a procrastinator. I have a lot of stuff I need to clear out and go through before I move this summer. Lots of stress there and I think hoarders feel a lot of stress they can't deal with. This leads me to other stuff:
A Bible study on stress that I just read says that there are 4 causes of stress:
People
Events
Thoughts
Emotions
People cause stress through personality, values, and character traits. Some people energize us and others exhaust us. I would rather energize people and be an encourager than to wear them out with my presence. But I don't know if I'm always the encourager I want to be.
Events can cause stress. Sickness, problems in the workplace, marital difficulties. Anything is an event in your life. I can feel stress by watching somebody sing on television that I absolutely can't stand. the stress reliever for that is to turn it off! Decision making is an event that causes stress. I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months about jobs, new place to live, getting stuff ready to move, getting it moved, getting settled, paying for everything, keeping my health and sanity in the process. I'm feeling the stress already! The strain of the divorce is very telling for me. I am tired a lot. I sleep a lot more because I am depressed about the direction my life is going. I miss having friends to hang out with. I don't go anywhere but the grocery store, the doctor and church, and to the bank occasionally. I even miss working to some extent. I guess I miss productivity.
Thoughts are a big stress producer, especially when they are negative and pulling you down. Being honest with myself about how I feel is important because I need to be validated in these thoughts. If I feel I am not honest or misleading myself or others then I am causing myself and others stress. A busy mind that never stops is a peace robber. I need to slow down and just meditate on the Word of God and the peace that passes all understanding.
Emotional stress is a biggie. Anger is another peace robber. To feel hostility toward others is self-defeating. I am hurting myself more than the other person. Feeling hopeless is a feeling I often have these days. But I should always have hope because God is in charge, not me. Discouragement is a palpable emotion that can really take over my life if I let it. I have a lot of reasons to be discouraged right now but I would really rather hang on to hope. That's why I am trying not to worry too much about my situation (even though I wrote about all my anxiety a few weeks ago). I have been praying about my situation and although I really have no answers yet I feel like God heard me and He's gonna move when it's time to move. I've been able to get to church in the last few weeks except for this past Sunday. It was good and uplifting to be there. I just wish I felt like I fit in. I don't feel that way yet. So that causes me some emotional stress, but I'm not gonna quit going just cause I don't have a group of friends to hang out with there. The purpose is to worship God and encourage others in their worship of God.
I do solicit the prayers of every one who reads these words. I would love it if you would respond with prayer requests for yourselves or for others as you have need to. I can post a weekly prayer list every week and answers to those prayers later.
I guess I am what you would call a pack rat. I am also sentimental and I am afraid I will forget the memories that I want to keep if I should throw something out, which happens to also be a trait of a hoarder. But I can throw things away, I just put off doing it. Very much a procrastinator. I have a lot of stuff I need to clear out and go through before I move this summer. Lots of stress there and I think hoarders feel a lot of stress they can't deal with. This leads me to other stuff:
A Bible study on stress that I just read says that there are 4 causes of stress:
People
Events
Thoughts
Emotions
People cause stress through personality, values, and character traits. Some people energize us and others exhaust us. I would rather energize people and be an encourager than to wear them out with my presence. But I don't know if I'm always the encourager I want to be.
Events can cause stress. Sickness, problems in the workplace, marital difficulties. Anything is an event in your life. I can feel stress by watching somebody sing on television that I absolutely can't stand. the stress reliever for that is to turn it off! Decision making is an event that causes stress. I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months about jobs, new place to live, getting stuff ready to move, getting it moved, getting settled, paying for everything, keeping my health and sanity in the process. I'm feeling the stress already! The strain of the divorce is very telling for me. I am tired a lot. I sleep a lot more because I am depressed about the direction my life is going. I miss having friends to hang out with. I don't go anywhere but the grocery store, the doctor and church, and to the bank occasionally. I even miss working to some extent. I guess I miss productivity.
Thoughts are a big stress producer, especially when they are negative and pulling you down. Being honest with myself about how I feel is important because I need to be validated in these thoughts. If I feel I am not honest or misleading myself or others then I am causing myself and others stress. A busy mind that never stops is a peace robber. I need to slow down and just meditate on the Word of God and the peace that passes all understanding.
Emotional stress is a biggie. Anger is another peace robber. To feel hostility toward others is self-defeating. I am hurting myself more than the other person. Feeling hopeless is a feeling I often have these days. But I should always have hope because God is in charge, not me. Discouragement is a palpable emotion that can really take over my life if I let it. I have a lot of reasons to be discouraged right now but I would really rather hang on to hope. That's why I am trying not to worry too much about my situation (even though I wrote about all my anxiety a few weeks ago). I have been praying about my situation and although I really have no answers yet I feel like God heard me and He's gonna move when it's time to move. I've been able to get to church in the last few weeks except for this past Sunday. It was good and uplifting to be there. I just wish I felt like I fit in. I don't feel that way yet. So that causes me some emotional stress, but I'm not gonna quit going just cause I don't have a group of friends to hang out with there. The purpose is to worship God and encourage others in their worship of God.
I do solicit the prayers of every one who reads these words. I would love it if you would respond with prayer requests for yourselves or for others as you have need to. I can post a weekly prayer list every week and answers to those prayers later.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Cats vs Dogs
So, everyone knows that I have a cat and a dog. Before marriage I had neither. But I always wanted a cat.
Now I have one and I feel bad that she now prefers my company to Neil since she was his cat to begin with. But it might have something to do with the fact that I am female like her. The dog is female too. And they both follow me around, lay on my lap, just generally fawn all over me. It's nice to know I'm loved!
Most people either don't like animals or have a certain animal that they prefer. I am a cat lover. I also will tolerate small to medium sized dogs. If you have a large dog, do not bring him near me, otherwise I will absolutely freak out. I am scared to death of large dogs, no matter how friendly and loving they are. Something about an animal that's as big as me or maybe bigger gives me the willies. I wonder why it is that we have the tendency to develop a preference for a certain type of animal? My husband is fascinated by tarantulas. We had one in an escape proof cage until it passed away a few months ago. I wouldn't even look at it, but we would go to the pet store every few months and buy live crickets for it to eat. I felt a little bit sorry for those poor crickets. Hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, birds, frogs, ferrets are all animals that people have tried to tame and keep as pets. Even snakes are kept in people's homes. I once knew someone with a pet raccoon in the back yard. Animal lovers are a strange breed.
But what's even stranger to me is how we have managed to incorporate our animal friends into our English vocabulary. Take the words cat and dog for instance. Just off the top of my head let me list a few words with either cat or dog as a part of the word. I have not cheated and looked it up in the dictionary. All of these words are ones that I have thought of. Remember, I have done a lot of reading in my 53 years, especially since I started reading at the age of 4.
If you can think of any others to add to the list please feel free to add it in the comments section.
CAT
Now I have one and I feel bad that she now prefers my company to Neil since she was his cat to begin with. But it might have something to do with the fact that I am female like her. The dog is female too. And they both follow me around, lay on my lap, just generally fawn all over me. It's nice to know I'm loved!
Most people either don't like animals or have a certain animal that they prefer. I am a cat lover. I also will tolerate small to medium sized dogs. If you have a large dog, do not bring him near me, otherwise I will absolutely freak out. I am scared to death of large dogs, no matter how friendly and loving they are. Something about an animal that's as big as me or maybe bigger gives me the willies. I wonder why it is that we have the tendency to develop a preference for a certain type of animal? My husband is fascinated by tarantulas. We had one in an escape proof cage until it passed away a few months ago. I wouldn't even look at it, but we would go to the pet store every few months and buy live crickets for it to eat. I felt a little bit sorry for those poor crickets. Hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, birds, frogs, ferrets are all animals that people have tried to tame and keep as pets. Even snakes are kept in people's homes. I once knew someone with a pet raccoon in the back yard. Animal lovers are a strange breed.
But what's even stranger to me is how we have managed to incorporate our animal friends into our English vocabulary. Take the words cat and dog for instance. Just off the top of my head let me list a few words with either cat or dog as a part of the word. I have not cheated and looked it up in the dictionary. All of these words are ones that I have thought of. Remember, I have done a lot of reading in my 53 years, especially since I started reading at the age of 4.
If you can think of any others to add to the list please feel free to add it in the comments section.
CAT
- catapult
- catastrophe
- catamaran
- catalyst
- catch
- catchy
- catsup
- catty
- catty-cornered
- bobcat
- dogged
- doggerel
- doggone
- hotdog
- dog-eared
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Anxiety is my middle name
Not much is going on with me, NOT! I am feeling super anxious these days and it doesn't go away. Last night I woke up every 2 hours and it didn't help that the dog was laying at my feet and I couldn't stretch my legs out.
I have no job, and no source of income other than my retirement check which magically shows up in my bank account on the last working day of the month. I have to find a new place to live so I can move at the end of June. I wasn't going to say anything about this till it was done, but a few people already know that I am in the middle of a divorce. It's not easy and not an easy choice to make. My husband and I will remain really good friends and I think he will be there for me if I need someone. Our 3rd anniversary is coming up on March 17 and I'm thinking the divorce will be final by then.
He will be here until May, but I am really worried about paying the bills in May and June because I will be by myself in my house (along with the cat, who can't help me there!) and the rent takes up all but 219 dollars of the retirement check. gotta find a way to at least keep the power on and water running so I can keep clean and Midnight the cat can have water. Don't know if I will have tv or internet access. I dread going back to apartment living. I love living in a house, but how can I afford it? I've never been able to be thrifty and save money. Living paycheck to paycheck is the norm in my life. Not to mention I can't drive and can't afford a car and gas and insurance even if I could possibly learn at this late date. I was stupid not to learn when I was young, I admit that. But when you have a double handicap you have twice the fear.
So how do I get to a job unless I live close by the workplace? I lived near the university campus for many years and walked to work. I realize there are buses and trolleys and cabs but they all cost money to use and I'm not going to have much extra for that. So I really need to find something I can do from home that will bring the extra funds in that I need. I tried the gift basket business and I loved the products but they were expensive and I'm not much of an entrepreneur, especially not able to get out and get the word out about my business. So I gave it up after a couple of months as I couldn't afford to pay 20 dollars a month for a website that was not generating any business. In the past I've also tried, Amway, Watkins and Tupperware. I must finally give it up and say I do not have the entreprenurial gift or spirit. So what do I do with myself? All I know is library work and pretty much only cataloging at that. My only talent seems to be writing, but I don't have an urge to write every day, nor do I crave to write like some lucky folks do. What I do enjoy is computers, goofing off and playing games, receiving email through Incredimail, and creating my own Incredimail letters. I wish I knew something about graphic design, but I cannot afford nor do I want to go to school. I also loved working on the church newsletters I used to do a few years ago. I would spend hours and hours working on them and even forgetting to eat, they absorbed all my attention. I need to be creative. I only know how to use a PC, have never worked on a MAC. I can work on a writing for children's lit course that is all paid up but just can't seem to get going on it. The material is boring to me. I am anxious about many things and have a lot on my mind.
So where does God fit in during all this daily anxiety? Well, I have prayed, but it's hard to have peace when you're not sure the Lord is pleased with you. Especially in light of getting a divorce because we know that God hates divorce. But I think He understands why it's happening. And I turn to the Scriptures to read about anxiety and it says in Philippians 4:6 not to be anxious about anything but to pray with thanksgiving about every request to God and you will have peace. I Peter 5:7 says to cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Proverbs 12:25 says that an anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up. I could use some kind words cause I sure feel like my back's going to break. I believe in these Scriptures with all my heart but it's just hard to follow through and trust in God to lead me in the right path. I feel like my church family has deserted me since I've been married. I haven't been able to get to services like I have wanted to, and no one seems to care if I am there or not. Hopefully I am wrong and that will change because I do want to live the life that God wants me to live and I have a ride to church tomorrow.
Well, if you have read this far, thank you for doing so. You have just jumped into an F5 tornado called Karen's Mind. It's whirling so fast I don't know where it's going. It's gonna be an interesting spring and summer! Later, guys and gals....
I have no job, and no source of income other than my retirement check which magically shows up in my bank account on the last working day of the month. I have to find a new place to live so I can move at the end of June. I wasn't going to say anything about this till it was done, but a few people already know that I am in the middle of a divorce. It's not easy and not an easy choice to make. My husband and I will remain really good friends and I think he will be there for me if I need someone. Our 3rd anniversary is coming up on March 17 and I'm thinking the divorce will be final by then.
He will be here until May, but I am really worried about paying the bills in May and June because I will be by myself in my house (along with the cat, who can't help me there!) and the rent takes up all but 219 dollars of the retirement check. gotta find a way to at least keep the power on and water running so I can keep clean and Midnight the cat can have water. Don't know if I will have tv or internet access. I dread going back to apartment living. I love living in a house, but how can I afford it? I've never been able to be thrifty and save money. Living paycheck to paycheck is the norm in my life. Not to mention I can't drive and can't afford a car and gas and insurance even if I could possibly learn at this late date. I was stupid not to learn when I was young, I admit that. But when you have a double handicap you have twice the fear.
So how do I get to a job unless I live close by the workplace? I lived near the university campus for many years and walked to work. I realize there are buses and trolleys and cabs but they all cost money to use and I'm not going to have much extra for that. So I really need to find something I can do from home that will bring the extra funds in that I need. I tried the gift basket business and I loved the products but they were expensive and I'm not much of an entrepreneur, especially not able to get out and get the word out about my business. So I gave it up after a couple of months as I couldn't afford to pay 20 dollars a month for a website that was not generating any business. In the past I've also tried, Amway, Watkins and Tupperware. I must finally give it up and say I do not have the entreprenurial gift or spirit. So what do I do with myself? All I know is library work and pretty much only cataloging at that. My only talent seems to be writing, but I don't have an urge to write every day, nor do I crave to write like some lucky folks do. What I do enjoy is computers, goofing off and playing games, receiving email through Incredimail, and creating my own Incredimail letters. I wish I knew something about graphic design, but I cannot afford nor do I want to go to school. I also loved working on the church newsletters I used to do a few years ago. I would spend hours and hours working on them and even forgetting to eat, they absorbed all my attention. I need to be creative. I only know how to use a PC, have never worked on a MAC. I can work on a writing for children's lit course that is all paid up but just can't seem to get going on it. The material is boring to me. I am anxious about many things and have a lot on my mind.
So where does God fit in during all this daily anxiety? Well, I have prayed, but it's hard to have peace when you're not sure the Lord is pleased with you. Especially in light of getting a divorce because we know that God hates divorce. But I think He understands why it's happening. And I turn to the Scriptures to read about anxiety and it says in Philippians 4:6 not to be anxious about anything but to pray with thanksgiving about every request to God and you will have peace. I Peter 5:7 says to cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Proverbs 12:25 says that an anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up. I could use some kind words cause I sure feel like my back's going to break. I believe in these Scriptures with all my heart but it's just hard to follow through and trust in God to lead me in the right path. I feel like my church family has deserted me since I've been married. I haven't been able to get to services like I have wanted to, and no one seems to care if I am there or not. Hopefully I am wrong and that will change because I do want to live the life that God wants me to live and I have a ride to church tomorrow.
Well, if you have read this far, thank you for doing so. You have just jumped into an F5 tornado called Karen's Mind. It's whirling so fast I don't know where it's going. It's gonna be an interesting spring and summer! Later, guys and gals....
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Olympics
I am a big fan of the Olympic Games, especially the Winter Games. So I have been spending a lot of time this week watching TV and NBC because of the Olympics. I have even watched some sports that I normally don't watch, like snowboarding. Without a clue of what they are doing. I just want to see the Americans win medals! And I'm so disappointed when they don't. I was particularly disappointed when Kris Freeman did not place anywhere near the top in the 15 KM cross country skiing race. I was rooting for him because he is a fellow diabetic and it is extremely difficult for a diabetic to race like this because of the blood sugar problems we have. On top of this the temperature was 52 degrees. Way too warm to be doing skiing. But, regardless of whether the Americans win a medal, I am proud of those who push through and finish the race, whether first or last. Their overall goal was to make it to the Olympics and to compete and they did just that.
Of course when I think of competing and racing and the Olympics, it does bring a certain scripture to mind. I am sure all those who are familiar with the Bible are aware of this verse: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."--Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) Every competition in the Olympics has a course marked out for it. If one misses a gate or a turn or falls, he or she is either marked down or disqualified from the competition. There are consequences for your actions. If we follow the rules, we are rewarded, if we do not then we are punished. God has a course marked out for us in our lives. Each one of us has different obstacles to overcome. No one's path is exactly the same as another person's path. This is where our lives differ from the Olympic Games. Each course for each sport is exactly the same for each competitor in that race. But in our lives, someone may marry, while his friend may not. Someone may have 5 children in that marriage, while his next door neighbor may have none. But regardless of whether we have more or less than another person, we each have a race marked out for us. We must run that race in front of many witnesses (parents, children, spouse, friends, co-workers, etc.) Doesn't it make sense that while we are running this race we pay attention to the course we are taking and the One who created this course? Our witnesses are encouraging us to persevere, and we should be encouragers as well. God encourages us every day whether we are aware of His presence or not. He is encouraging me at this moment while I write these words because it has been a very long time since I have written anything and I was scared to even start trying to write again. I don't have a real point to make in this day's blog, I just want to write. And if it makes sense to some of you and helps you, then I have met a goal, and that was to be an encouragement to others.
I am also reminded of a verse in Philippians 3: 12-14: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (NIV) I have made many mistakes in my life. I have found myself going over and over a lot of them lately, wondering why I did what I did and wishing I could go back and retrieve that embarrassment and bury it in the sand of time or take those words back. But I can't. The past is past, and today is today, while the future is tomorrow. And we all look forward to tomorrow, especially if we are bored with today. So we each have a goal to live another day, to see another sunrise and sunset. God wants us in Heaven with Him and that is my goal. I'm a Christian, but I'm still afraid I'm not gonna make it, that even though my sins are forgiven and taken by Jesus on the Cross, that won't be good enough for the God who can't stand sin. God is merciful and just. I need to be merciful and just toward myself and others. The prize is eternal life in heaven. It's the Gold Medal of all gold medals. The funny thing is that it's not just for one person to win, it's for EVERYBODY! We all win! Isn't that an awesome thought? We all have a different course in our lives to take, yet we all should be striving for that same goal of Heaven where we are all winners. I'm still gonna watch the Olympics and root for the Americans to win a medal, but I'm also gonna be proud of those who just compete and finish the race.
Of course when I think of competing and racing and the Olympics, it does bring a certain scripture to mind. I am sure all those who are familiar with the Bible are aware of this verse: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."--Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) Every competition in the Olympics has a course marked out for it. If one misses a gate or a turn or falls, he or she is either marked down or disqualified from the competition. There are consequences for your actions. If we follow the rules, we are rewarded, if we do not then we are punished. God has a course marked out for us in our lives. Each one of us has different obstacles to overcome. No one's path is exactly the same as another person's path. This is where our lives differ from the Olympic Games. Each course for each sport is exactly the same for each competitor in that race. But in our lives, someone may marry, while his friend may not. Someone may have 5 children in that marriage, while his next door neighbor may have none. But regardless of whether we have more or less than another person, we each have a race marked out for us. We must run that race in front of many witnesses (parents, children, spouse, friends, co-workers, etc.) Doesn't it make sense that while we are running this race we pay attention to the course we are taking and the One who created this course? Our witnesses are encouraging us to persevere, and we should be encouragers as well. God encourages us every day whether we are aware of His presence or not. He is encouraging me at this moment while I write these words because it has been a very long time since I have written anything and I was scared to even start trying to write again. I don't have a real point to make in this day's blog, I just want to write. And if it makes sense to some of you and helps you, then I have met a goal, and that was to be an encouragement to others.
I am also reminded of a verse in Philippians 3: 12-14: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (NIV) I have made many mistakes in my life. I have found myself going over and over a lot of them lately, wondering why I did what I did and wishing I could go back and retrieve that embarrassment and bury it in the sand of time or take those words back. But I can't. The past is past, and today is today, while the future is tomorrow. And we all look forward to tomorrow, especially if we are bored with today. So we each have a goal to live another day, to see another sunrise and sunset. God wants us in Heaven with Him and that is my goal. I'm a Christian, but I'm still afraid I'm not gonna make it, that even though my sins are forgiven and taken by Jesus on the Cross, that won't be good enough for the God who can't stand sin. God is merciful and just. I need to be merciful and just toward myself and others. The prize is eternal life in heaven. It's the Gold Medal of all gold medals. The funny thing is that it's not just for one person to win, it's for EVERYBODY! We all win! Isn't that an awesome thought? We all have a different course in our lives to take, yet we all should be striving for that same goal of Heaven where we are all winners. I'm still gonna watch the Olympics and root for the Americans to win a medal, but I'm also gonna be proud of those who just compete and finish the race.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Something New
It's been a long time coming but I have decided to start my own blog. I enjoy reading the blogs of others and so it's time for me to do my own. It might be a little boring at first as I won't have too many visuals to break up the monotony. I don't have a digital camera of my own to take pictures with. I have named this blog Seeking Serendipities. I chose it because I seek to understand God's Word more, seek to know what He wants me to do in life and where He wants to take me on my life journey. I love the word serendipity and I want to find many serendipities in my study of the Bible and in my life experiences. You can find a definition of the word in Dictionary.com
So this will be a hodge podge of things: musings, Bible questions, life in general, dealing with diabetes, Midnight stories (my sweet cat), and more. Forgive me while I learn how to use this website and how to write for others to read. Maybe someday I will catch up to my cousin Paul South and be a fabulous writer.
Will be back with more later.
So this will be a hodge podge of things: musings, Bible questions, life in general, dealing with diabetes, Midnight stories (my sweet cat), and more. Forgive me while I learn how to use this website and how to write for others to read. Maybe someday I will catch up to my cousin Paul South and be a fabulous writer.
Will be back with more later.
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