This is not an easy post to write. I say this because you will either care very deeply or you will not care at all.
Most of you are relatively healthy with good marriages, lots of friends, support systems, jobs that earn you a decent living, children that you are busy raising to be good citizens (I hope). You struggle some but the pain or trouble passes fairly quickly. Most of you are devout believers in God, with varying levels of faith, and involvement in your respective beliefs, churches or whatever you choose to put your hope and faith in. I am glad for you.
For many years, I too, had a job, a church that I was heavily involved in, and hopes for a good marriage and friendships. But I now have none of these things. I feel abandoned by my church family, forgotten by what few friends I may have had, and although He says He will never forsake me, I sometimes feel forsaken by my God in whom I strongly believe. For whatever reasons that I just don't know, I have failed to maintain friendships apparently, or else I'm not enough fun to be around. I realize that my lack of transportation has severely limited my ability to be a friend in some cases: to visit those who might be ill, or to help someone out, to get to the church and volunteer, to attend social functions, to attend worship and be seen as one who is a faithful Christian. I am not able to change the fact that I lack the ability to get myself somewhere. Even if I were to learn to drive, I cannot afford a vehicle, gas or insurance on my present retirement salary. I can't even pay all my bills each month or buy groceries. I don't have the funds to take advantage of public transportation like the Trolley, or a taxi every time I need to go somewhere. Although I love to shop, I don't go to the mall. I don't attend church social functions because I don't have the ability to get there without someone else's help. I don't have a best friend who would miss me if I didn't call or write for a few days. I don't have a church family that even misses me when I miss church. I still consider myself to be a member of this church but I can't help but feel abandoned.
I'm not writing this to get you to feel sorry for me. I desperately want my life to be better, and I am waiting very impatiently for a disability appeal hearing that could help me in many ways to improve my lot in life. But I have to wait for another year to a year and a half. If I lose the appeal, my life will go on as it is now. I cannot work at the present because it might jeopardize the appeal. I might have to consider trying to obtain a part time job later but my skills are limited. So in the meantime, I struggle each day with fear, with loneliness, with much worry. I pray but it doesn't seem to help. I don't know if my prayers are just hitting the ceiling and evaporating or what. I do not know why I have to go through this trial, especially alone, but apparently I am supposed to learn something from it. My marriage is over. I would love to try marriage again, but who would have me?
I am in a state of waiting...waiting...waiting. And it's killing me.
I have some debt that to have it paid off would be a tremendous help to get me through the next year. I went through bankruptcy several years ago and believe me I learned my lesson then, so my debt isn't that bad, it's just hard with the fixed amount of money I receive from my retirement each month to pay on everything I owe. I have to choose whether to pay bills or buy groceries. I cannot do both. I have not been to the grocery store this month. I am living off what I bought in September. I have had no bread or milk for over two and a half weeks. I have two rolls of toilet paper and I'm on my last roll of paper towels. I looked into food stamps, but I would need it to cover everything, and it does not cover paper products, medicines, soap, household products, etc. I have two cavities that need to be filled and the estimated cost for me is 204 dollars. the insurance will cover the rest of the estimated 400 dollars it will cost. I have to go to the doctor to get their signature for me to get my diabetes supplies paid through insurance but I can't afford the copay.
I had no inkling when I retired in June 2009 that a year later I would be divorced, living alone, crying every single day, missing my ex husband's pets terribly, and just all around miserable. I guess I made a mistake in quitting work/retiring that I can't change. It's really hard, and I solicit your prayers, and if you can help me in any way, I will gladly accept your help. Please don't hate me for writing about this in this blog. Sometimes people don't realize what others are going through. If there is anything I can pray about for you or do for you, I hope you will let me know. I really struggled with writing these words, You may not believe it but I do not want to be dependent on others. My family helps me when they can but I know they get tired of me always needing something. I don't mean to be needy. I wouldn't want what I am going through to happen to anyone. Thank you for reading this far and God bless you all.
