Not much is going on with me, NOT! I am feeling super anxious these days and it doesn't go away. Last night I woke up every 2 hours and it didn't help that the dog was laying at my feet and I couldn't stretch my legs out.
I have no job, and no source of income other than my retirement check which magically shows up in my bank account on the last working day of the month. I have to find a new place to live so I can move at the end of June. I wasn't going to say anything about this till it was done, but a few people already know that I am in the middle of a divorce. It's not easy and not an easy choice to make. My husband and I will remain really good friends and I think he will be there for me if I need someone. Our 3rd anniversary is coming up on March 17 and I'm thinking the divorce will be final by then.
He will be here until May, but I am really worried about paying the bills in May and June because I will be by myself in my house (along with the cat, who can't help me there!) and the rent takes up all but 219 dollars of the retirement check. gotta find a way to at least keep the power on and water running so I can keep clean and Midnight the cat can have water. Don't know if I will have tv or internet access. I dread going back to apartment living. I love living in a house, but how can I afford it? I've never been able to be thrifty and save money. Living paycheck to paycheck is the norm in my life. Not to mention I can't drive and can't afford a car and gas and insurance even if I could possibly learn at this late date. I was stupid not to learn when I was young, I admit that. But when you have a double handicap you have twice the fear.
So how do I get to a job unless I live close by the workplace? I lived near the university campus for many years and walked to work. I realize there are buses and trolleys and cabs but they all cost money to use and I'm not going to have much extra for that. So I really need to find something I can do from home that will bring the extra funds in that I need. I tried the gift basket business and I loved the products but they were expensive and I'm not much of an entrepreneur, especially not able to get out and get the word out about my business. So I gave it up after a couple of months as I couldn't afford to pay 20 dollars a month for a website that was not generating any business. In the past I've also tried, Amway, Watkins and Tupperware. I must finally give it up and say I do not have the entreprenurial gift or spirit. So what do I do with myself? All I know is library work and pretty much only cataloging at that. My only talent seems to be writing, but I don't have an urge to write every day, nor do I crave to write like some lucky folks do. What I do enjoy is computers, goofing off and playing games, receiving email through Incredimail, and creating my own Incredimail letters. I wish I knew something about graphic design, but I cannot afford nor do I want to go to school. I also loved working on the church newsletters I used to do a few years ago. I would spend hours and hours working on them and even forgetting to eat, they absorbed all my attention. I need to be creative. I only know how to use a PC, have never worked on a MAC. I can work on a writing for children's lit course that is all paid up but just can't seem to get going on it. The material is boring to me. I am anxious about many things and have a lot on my mind.
So where does God fit in during all this daily anxiety? Well, I have prayed, but it's hard to have peace when you're not sure the Lord is pleased with you. Especially in light of getting a divorce because we know that God hates divorce. But I think He understands why it's happening. And I turn to the Scriptures to read about anxiety and it says in Philippians 4:6 not to be anxious about anything but to pray with thanksgiving about every request to God and you will have peace. I Peter 5:7 says to cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Proverbs 12:25 says that an anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up. I could use some kind words cause I sure feel like my back's going to break. I believe in these Scriptures with all my heart but it's just hard to follow through and trust in God to lead me in the right path. I feel like my church family has deserted me since I've been married. I haven't been able to get to services like I have wanted to, and no one seems to care if I am there or not. Hopefully I am wrong and that will change because I do want to live the life that God wants me to live and I have a ride to church tomorrow.
Well, if you have read this far, thank you for doing so. You have just jumped into an F5 tornado called Karen's Mind. It's whirling so fast I don't know where it's going. It's gonna be an interesting spring and summer! Later, guys and gals....
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Olympics
I am a big fan of the Olympic Games, especially the Winter Games. So I have been spending a lot of time this week watching TV and NBC because of the Olympics. I have even watched some sports that I normally don't watch, like snowboarding. Without a clue of what they are doing. I just want to see the Americans win medals! And I'm so disappointed when they don't. I was particularly disappointed when Kris Freeman did not place anywhere near the top in the 15 KM cross country skiing race. I was rooting for him because he is a fellow diabetic and it is extremely difficult for a diabetic to race like this because of the blood sugar problems we have. On top of this the temperature was 52 degrees. Way too warm to be doing skiing. But, regardless of whether the Americans win a medal, I am proud of those who push through and finish the race, whether first or last. Their overall goal was to make it to the Olympics and to compete and they did just that.
Of course when I think of competing and racing and the Olympics, it does bring a certain scripture to mind. I am sure all those who are familiar with the Bible are aware of this verse: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."--Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) Every competition in the Olympics has a course marked out for it. If one misses a gate or a turn or falls, he or she is either marked down or disqualified from the competition. There are consequences for your actions. If we follow the rules, we are rewarded, if we do not then we are punished. God has a course marked out for us in our lives. Each one of us has different obstacles to overcome. No one's path is exactly the same as another person's path. This is where our lives differ from the Olympic Games. Each course for each sport is exactly the same for each competitor in that race. But in our lives, someone may marry, while his friend may not. Someone may have 5 children in that marriage, while his next door neighbor may have none. But regardless of whether we have more or less than another person, we each have a race marked out for us. We must run that race in front of many witnesses (parents, children, spouse, friends, co-workers, etc.) Doesn't it make sense that while we are running this race we pay attention to the course we are taking and the One who created this course? Our witnesses are encouraging us to persevere, and we should be encouragers as well. God encourages us every day whether we are aware of His presence or not. He is encouraging me at this moment while I write these words because it has been a very long time since I have written anything and I was scared to even start trying to write again. I don't have a real point to make in this day's blog, I just want to write. And if it makes sense to some of you and helps you, then I have met a goal, and that was to be an encouragement to others.
I am also reminded of a verse in Philippians 3: 12-14: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (NIV) I have made many mistakes in my life. I have found myself going over and over a lot of them lately, wondering why I did what I did and wishing I could go back and retrieve that embarrassment and bury it in the sand of time or take those words back. But I can't. The past is past, and today is today, while the future is tomorrow. And we all look forward to tomorrow, especially if we are bored with today. So we each have a goal to live another day, to see another sunrise and sunset. God wants us in Heaven with Him and that is my goal. I'm a Christian, but I'm still afraid I'm not gonna make it, that even though my sins are forgiven and taken by Jesus on the Cross, that won't be good enough for the God who can't stand sin. God is merciful and just. I need to be merciful and just toward myself and others. The prize is eternal life in heaven. It's the Gold Medal of all gold medals. The funny thing is that it's not just for one person to win, it's for EVERYBODY! We all win! Isn't that an awesome thought? We all have a different course in our lives to take, yet we all should be striving for that same goal of Heaven where we are all winners. I'm still gonna watch the Olympics and root for the Americans to win a medal, but I'm also gonna be proud of those who just compete and finish the race.
Of course when I think of competing and racing and the Olympics, it does bring a certain scripture to mind. I am sure all those who are familiar with the Bible are aware of this verse: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."--Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) Every competition in the Olympics has a course marked out for it. If one misses a gate or a turn or falls, he or she is either marked down or disqualified from the competition. There are consequences for your actions. If we follow the rules, we are rewarded, if we do not then we are punished. God has a course marked out for us in our lives. Each one of us has different obstacles to overcome. No one's path is exactly the same as another person's path. This is where our lives differ from the Olympic Games. Each course for each sport is exactly the same for each competitor in that race. But in our lives, someone may marry, while his friend may not. Someone may have 5 children in that marriage, while his next door neighbor may have none. But regardless of whether we have more or less than another person, we each have a race marked out for us. We must run that race in front of many witnesses (parents, children, spouse, friends, co-workers, etc.) Doesn't it make sense that while we are running this race we pay attention to the course we are taking and the One who created this course? Our witnesses are encouraging us to persevere, and we should be encouragers as well. God encourages us every day whether we are aware of His presence or not. He is encouraging me at this moment while I write these words because it has been a very long time since I have written anything and I was scared to even start trying to write again. I don't have a real point to make in this day's blog, I just want to write. And if it makes sense to some of you and helps you, then I have met a goal, and that was to be an encouragement to others.
I am also reminded of a verse in Philippians 3: 12-14: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (NIV) I have made many mistakes in my life. I have found myself going over and over a lot of them lately, wondering why I did what I did and wishing I could go back and retrieve that embarrassment and bury it in the sand of time or take those words back. But I can't. The past is past, and today is today, while the future is tomorrow. And we all look forward to tomorrow, especially if we are bored with today. So we each have a goal to live another day, to see another sunrise and sunset. God wants us in Heaven with Him and that is my goal. I'm a Christian, but I'm still afraid I'm not gonna make it, that even though my sins are forgiven and taken by Jesus on the Cross, that won't be good enough for the God who can't stand sin. God is merciful and just. I need to be merciful and just toward myself and others. The prize is eternal life in heaven. It's the Gold Medal of all gold medals. The funny thing is that it's not just for one person to win, it's for EVERYBODY! We all win! Isn't that an awesome thought? We all have a different course in our lives to take, yet we all should be striving for that same goal of Heaven where we are all winners. I'm still gonna watch the Olympics and root for the Americans to win a medal, but I'm also gonna be proud of those who just compete and finish the race.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Something New
It's been a long time coming but I have decided to start my own blog. I enjoy reading the blogs of others and so it's time for me to do my own. It might be a little boring at first as I won't have too many visuals to break up the monotony. I don't have a digital camera of my own to take pictures with. I have named this blog Seeking Serendipities. I chose it because I seek to understand God's Word more, seek to know what He wants me to do in life and where He wants to take me on my life journey. I love the word serendipity and I want to find many serendipities in my study of the Bible and in my life experiences. You can find a definition of the word in Dictionary.com
So this will be a hodge podge of things: musings, Bible questions, life in general, dealing with diabetes, Midnight stories (my sweet cat), and more. Forgive me while I learn how to use this website and how to write for others to read. Maybe someday I will catch up to my cousin Paul South and be a fabulous writer.
Will be back with more later.
So this will be a hodge podge of things: musings, Bible questions, life in general, dealing with diabetes, Midnight stories (my sweet cat), and more. Forgive me while I learn how to use this website and how to write for others to read. Maybe someday I will catch up to my cousin Paul South and be a fabulous writer.
Will be back with more later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)