My Home is Tuscaloosa

It's been a month and a few days now since that awful day of April 27 when a tornado slashed the city of Tuscaloosa from one end to the other.  43 lives were lost, hundreds more injured. Scores of homes and businesses damaged or totally destroyed.  This day will not ever be forgotten.  Last night our city held a candlelight vigil in memory of those lost in the storm.   I was not privileged to attend but I have seen photos of the event and it looks like an awesome experience.  We have a top notch mayor in Walt Maddox and he is truly a fine leader who cares about our city.
I first moved to Tuscaloosa from the small of town of Fayette, Alabama in the summer of 1966. We moved because my dad and another gentleman bought a Jerry's restaurant franchise. We lived in the Cherrydale neighborhood south of Hargrove Road and my sister and I attended elementary school at University Place.  She was in the first grade and I was in the 4th grade.  When it was time for me to switch schools in 7th grade I went to Eastwood Junior High School.  We moved away in the fall of 1970 just as I was beginning the 8th grade.  Years away from Tuscaloosa did not make me forget this wonderful town.  I came back to attend the University of Alabama after attending two other colleges.  I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in History, went to graduate school and obtained a Masters in Library Studies.  I started working at the University of Alabama library in the fall of 1984.  I worked there for 25 years until I retired in June 2009.  Tuscaloosa has been my home for more than half of my life and even when we lived in Fayette we came to Tuscaloosa to shop quite frequently.  When I was old enough to understand what was going on in the sports world, I chose to root for the Alabama Crimson Tide because they were doing better than Auburn at the time.  Joe Namath was the quarterback and he was no. 12.  I was born on 12/12.  Guess what my favorite number is?  Of course!  It's 12!  Yes, I am looking forward to 12/12/2012.  That year I will be 56 years old and I was born in 1956.  So strange isn't it?
Anyway, I digress.  Back to Tuscaloosa.  I have seen this city grow so much in the span of my lifetime.  I remember the building of McFarland Mall and the building of University Mall.  I remember when there was nothing but grass where McFarland Boulevard is now.  My apologies to those who are reading who know nothing about Tuscaloosa.  It's just that I have so memories built up in this town and so many precious friends and neighbors that I care about.  It's so hard to describe what Tuscaloosa means to me and how sad I am to see the devastation caused by this behemoth of nature that roared through this city on April 27.
My friend Rachel Remenih graciously agreed to let me post some pictures that she took of the devastation here since I have not been able to get out and get pictures taken. Here they are.  It truly takes your breath away.

I can't tell you anything about these pictures since I didn't take them but they give some idea of the destruction that is rampant here.  Pictures don't do the damage justice.  You have to see it and then you still don't comprehend.  So many people are without jobs, homes, favorite stores, restaurants, etc.  A way of life has ended here.  We now have what is called a "new normal".  I hate that phrase but it's the only way we can describe the day to day existence in Tuscaloosa now.  Many of us were spared the loss of our homes and family members or friends, but we are still affected.  We may know someone who experienced that loss or losses.  We can't shop at Hobby Lobby right now or eat at Full Moon Barbeque because they are gone. Big Lots is leveled.  Forest Lake looks like a war zone. The lake is still there but nothing looks the same.
When I read or hear anything about the tornado, the devastation, the people that have been affected by this tragedy, I immediately start crying. It's an instantaneous reaction.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  I have a hard time believing that I live in a federal disaster area. But that is the new reality.  Removal of debris has begun and repair has started on damaged homes.  But it will be a very long time before we are built back up.  But we will be better and bigger. Hopefully prepared for the next time this happens, but Lord willing, it never will.  My home is Tuscaloosa.  My heart belongs to Tuscaloosa. My faith is in the God of this city, Tuscaloosa. God Bless Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA. 

Iota Incomprehensible

• iota
• \eye-OH-tuh\

noun


1

: the 9th letter of the Greek alphabet

2

: an infinitesimal amount : jot

 

This is what Merriam Webster dictionary online says is the definition of iota. An interesting word. I don't use it very often because I just can't think that small. But one way I can think of to use it is that we have not got an iota of understanding of how much God loves us. In other words even though we know that He gave His only Son to die for us, we still can't fathom how much love that is.  Otherwise, we would spend every waking moment of our lives in complete and utter obedience to God. I am just as guilty of not being obedient as anyone else. 

But I am thankful for the mercies of a loving and just Father who forgives me when I make mistakes, when I am forgetful of his presence, and when I don't love my fellow human beings as much as I should.

In another humorous way we can mispronounce the word as "I oughta".  I sometimes wonder if I oughta give an iota about some things the world takes seriously, like money, fame, big house, celebrity status.  But then I remember that we can't take it with us when we die.  All we leave behind is our reputation.  I would rather have a ginormous reputation for thoughtfulness, kindness, respect, love for others, gentleness, faithfulness than to have a huge bank account and fear of people because I wouldn't know if they want to know me for me or for my money.    So iota is actually a big word even though it means a small amount.  Because God can do so much more with our lives than the iota that we can do with ourselves.  God can move mountains.  He can calm a stormy sea.  He can take the faith that is as small as a mustard seed and the iota of hope we have and do big things.  I have struggled with this a lot in the last year. I know that most people know that I am waiting on a disability appeal hearing that should take place this fall or in the spring of 2012.  I filed the appeal in September 2010.  It has been the longest, most frightening year of my life.  I struggle with loneliness, and fear nearly every day.  I don't like living alone.  I don't like not having enough money to pay on all my bills each month. I don't like stressing over having enough to eat.  I especially don't like not being able to give to others who are hurting just as much or more as I am.  I am not able to adopt because i don't want to be a single parent.  I'm too old now anyway.  But I want desperately to be able to afford to sponsor a child through some organization.  I want to rescue a sweet kitty out of a shelter and give him/her a home. I think I could do that but I can't do it right now.  But I am hanging on to an iota of hope that I will be able to do all this eventually.  That with prayers of thanksgiving for the avenue of hope God offers me through His word that I will come out of this dark valley into a fresh and renewed perspective on life.  I want to glorify God and be a reflection of Christ to the world around me, not just an iota bit, but in every way. 

My Heroes Forever!

I posted this note on my Facebook page earlier this morning but decided to also include it on my blog with some amendments and/or additions.  I appreciate your reading it and hope you have a blessed day!

My heroes are my mom and dad, who had the faith and perseverance to take on the challenge God gave them in me: a double-handicapped child. Born in 1956, I'm not sure how much was known about Congenital Rubella Syndrome (German Measles). They did know that pregnant women should not get German measles  because she could pass it to the baby.  I know they thought I might not be able to eat normally. I weighed 2 pounds and 10 oz. I was born in December but did not go home until the end of February when I passed 5 pounds. My mom did not know she was pregnant when she contracted the German measles. Therefore the virus was passed through so early that more severe disabilities could have developed but by the grace of God, I've been able to see His beautiful world even with one working eye, hear the sounds around me with the help of a man-made hearing aid, speak my mind and learn about many things through going to school with "normal" children. Yes, I was "mainstreamed." My hearing did not start to deteriorate until I was in elementary school, so I was able to hear and learn to speak at the age I was supposed to.  I started wearing the hearing aid in the third grade.  I am thankful to be able to read and write, to have held a job for many years. I am thankful for the opportunity to be married although it did not work out. I would like another chance at marriage, so if you know someone....But I digress. I am thankful for my friends, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a friend to others. I am thankful for Jesus Christ, who took my sins upon himself and died for me.
I just wish I could draw/paint, and sing. Oh how I wish I could find more talents I possess that I don't know about so I can use them to bless others.
I'm thankful for the avenue of prayer that I can walk down any time in gratitude, in times of sorrow and distress, in times of weakness and pain, in times of temptation and anxiety. I wish all people were confident that they can walk down this avenue with me.
I started out writing about my mom and dad. I do not know how they did it. Doctor after doctor, many hospital visits as a baby, having to have my hearing tested, taking me to the Speech and Hearing Center in Birmingham. I have many memories of sitting in waiting rooms waiting to be called in to see doctors in Birmingham. They took me to these appointments, spent countless hours thinking about me and helping me.
I had such difficulty learning the multiplication tables in school that my dad had to help me. He helped me with a science fair project in third grade. He was more interested in it than I was I think! I won 2nd place. It was his project!  I remember wearing a prosthetic eye for awhile to cover my bad eye and make it look more normal.  My mom always put it in and took it out.  I finally had to stop wearing it due to the pain of it rubbing against my eye. I was always in so much pain when I came home from school.  I had to ride the bus and the bus driver lived near us, so I was just about one of the first ones to be picked up in the morning and the last to get home in the afternoon.  It would hurt so bad by then.  I also remember the time I forgot to ride the bus.  The date was March 1, 1966.  I thought it was the day my great aunt was picking me up but I had my days mixed up.  So instead of telling anyone that I was stranded, I decided to walk to my grandmother's house.  I had never crossed the street before by myself.  As I got nearer to the big street I had to cross, I saw a man dressed in a business suit so I decided to follow him and do what he did.  I got across the street and looked around and he was gone.  I don't think he went into the Christian book store that was across the street from the school but I can't be sure. Why would a man be dressed in a business suit and be walking around at 3 pm or so in the afternoon?  I think he might have been a guardian angel.  Anyway, I kept on going and went the long way around to my grandmother's house because I was afraid of a big dog.  She didn't lock her doors at that time, it was pretty safe, so I just walked right into her house and she wasn't home, so I called my parents and let them know where I was.  They were understandably concerned but they were good to me about it.  So I guess I have a bit of an independent mindset sometimes. I don't remember if I was punished for this or not.  Don't think so.  Another time I stepped into an elevator with two different men, but we weren't going in that direction and I didn't hear them tell me to get off.  so I rode the elevator, and stopped at every floor so they could find me.  I think they went bananas over it.  All they had to do was keep standing there in front of the doors and I would find them and get off.  At least that's how I tried to solve the problem! 
So no matter what has happened to me in life, I am thankful for my parents. My dad died at the early age of 48, of a heart attack but my mom is still living and she is a great help to me even now. I try my best to be there for her as well. God gave me the best parents I could have had. My Heroes Forever!

Community

My church has a new focus on community. We are a Community of Christ-followers on the Frontlines.  Reaching out beyond ourselves to seek God, to being honest in our relationships, and to find our calling within God's mission.  We are also participating in 40 days of fasting from various things such as, during the first week we were asked to fast from lunch and do a 24 hour fast at the end of the week. This past week we were to fast from normal routine and spend some time during the day reading and meditating when you would be doing other things and also to build others up and not think about ourselves.  This week our focus is on adornment.  Not wearing jewelry (except wedding bands) and keep our clothing generic, free from team logos and design labels, and also no perfume or cologne.  Let ourselves be the aroma of Christ and find ways to give of ourselves.

I have to be honest and say I have not really participated.  I couldn't do the first week because of my diabetes.  The second week I just didn't have the opportunities to fulfill any of the suggestions offered to us to complete. This week is a little easier but I'm still finding it hard.  One emphasis is that we all be part of a community group. (small groups that meet outside the church every week).  I signed up for one but can't get anyone to come pick me up for the meetings so I am left out in the cold once again.  I still think there is much work to be done in this area of giving and thinking more of others than yourself.  I see a lot of people at church every Sunday and that's the one and only time I am in interaction with them.  I could probably do more myself to make contact during the week but so many people work and have families and things to do that I just hesitate.  I am the one with all the flexible time and I feel like they should fit me into their schedule when they can.  My friends have an open invitation to come and see me anytime, to call me anytime, to email me, or chat on Facebook anytime.  But no one comes to see me, no one calls. I get emails sometimes, and chat sometimes. But it's not the emails and the chat I want as part of my life.  It's the face to face social interaction.  Community is not loneliness.  It's togetherness, and camaraderie, and belonging.  I could do some calling, but like I said before, people are so busy.  Who has the time?  So I am having difficulty with this concept of community and serving because I am not able to do as much as some people can.  I still feel as lonely as I always have.  I wish so much that I were a people person.  They seem to be more likeable, to be wanted more by others.  All I can do is keep trying.  Keep praying.  Keep trusting God to bring me what He wants me to have in my life.  For after all, community is as community does.  He will make me into what He wants me to be and that is a Christ-Follower working on the frontlines to serve Him.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is Love!

Flowing freely through the days of our lives is the theme that God is love. Over and over again we hear, we read, we see, we feel, the power that is love.  In love God made the universe and created human beings in His own image. In love, He sent His Son Jesus to live on the earth and be sinless and eventually to be crucified for our sins and to be raised again to be seated with God in Heaven.  What a tremendous message for all of mankind.  Yet, so many do not know of this tremendous message.  Some of us even forget about this message in the busyness of life.  The newness of another day is a reminder of how much God loves us and cares about what happens to us.  Even when bad things happen to us, God already knew what we were going to go through and He is prepared to be there to comfort, sustain, be our hope, our strength and our Guide through the trials we face. 

Are we willing to let Him be there for us?  I try but I sometimes wonder how long He is going to make me wait before things get better for me.  I started out really good this year in trying to read my Bible every day and now I've already abandoned it.  Another New Year's resolution busted.  But I know I can start up again any time.  That's the beauty of His Word.  It's always there no matter what.  Whether the day is good or bad, just so-so or absolutely fabulous, His Word is right there for us to contemplate, discover, share, and savor.

God is Love.  His Word is Holy.  God is Holy, His Word is Love.  Holy Love reaching down, enfolding us in everlasting compassion, tenderness and beauty.  I wish we had town criers in every town all across the world just shouting out this fact: "Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is Love!  His Word is Holy.  You have a Holy Love waiting for you to embrace it.  Hear Ye, Hear Ye, God is waiting.  Come one, come all".  And you don't have to wait for a town crier to spread the news.  God says: You, Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere, that Jesus Christ is born and that God is Love.

Short Update

Things are about the same as they were in the fall when I last posted.  Still waiting on the disability appeal which should take place in fall 2011.  I have been able to start going back to church which is a blessing.  I am riding with the couple that used to provide a ride to me before I was married. I have also attended one of the Tuesday ladies' classes at the church.  One of my dear friends, Linda Olivet, is teaching the class this quarter.  Right now I have plenty of food, still have some canned food from the food bank that I received back in the fall.   Just wish I could finish off paying on some bills that are still outstanding but current living just eats everything up.  My rent went up 20 dollars in January and my cable bill went up 15 dollars as well.   I had to switch pharmacies due to some dispute about upping prices between independent pharmacies and the Teacher Retirement system so my old pharmacy is not taking my insurance card anymore.  But thankfully I was able to find a pharmacy that delivers.  However they charge 2 dollars per delivery and my old pharmacy delivered for free.  I am trying to get back into working on my writing course but I get sidetracked so easily that it is hard to stay focused.  I go to the doctor in about 3 weeks for a checkup.  Hopefully everything will be ok.  I know my A1C (3 month average of blood sugar) will be up and that will be no surprise to me with all the stress I have been under.  But I am thankful my doctor is a Christian and that he's a very good doctor.
Thank you all for your prayers and love.  Please continue to remember me in prayer whenever you can.  I will try to post more often.  Just don't have much to write about other than negative stuff and I know no one wants to hear about that. But I believe God is working and He will show me the way.

Abandoned, Forgotten, or Forsaken?

This is not an easy post to write.  I say this because you will either care very deeply or you will not care at all.
Most of you are relatively healthy with good marriages, lots of friends,  support systems, jobs that earn you a decent living, children that you are busy raising to be good citizens (I hope).  You struggle some but the pain or trouble passes fairly quickly.  Most of you are devout believers in God, with varying levels of faith, and involvement in your respective beliefs, churches or whatever you choose to put your hope and faith in.  I am glad for you.
For many years, I too, had a job, a church that I was heavily involved in, and hopes for a good marriage and friendships.  But I now have none of these things.  I feel abandoned by my church family, forgotten by what few friends I may have had, and although He says He will never forsake me, I sometimes feel forsaken by my God in whom I strongly believe.  For whatever reasons that I just don't know, I have failed to maintain friendships apparently, or else I'm not enough fun to be around.  I realize that my lack of transportation has severely limited my ability to be a friend in some cases: to visit those who might be ill, or to help someone out, to get to the church and volunteer, to attend social functions, to attend worship and be seen as one who is a faithful Christian.  I am not able to change the fact that I lack the ability to get myself somewhere.  Even if I were to learn to drive, I cannot afford a vehicle, gas or insurance on my present retirement salary.  I can't even pay all my bills each month or buy groceries.   I don't have the funds to take advantage of public transportation like the Trolley, or a taxi every time I need to go somewhere.  Although I love to shop, I don't go to the mall. I don't attend church social functions because I don't have the ability to get there without someone else's help.  I don't have a best friend who would miss me if I didn't call or write for a few days.  I don't have a church family that even misses me when I miss church.  I still consider myself to be a member of this church but I can't help but feel abandoned.
I'm not writing this to get you to feel sorry for me.  I desperately want my life to be better, and I am waiting very impatiently for a disability appeal hearing that could help me in many ways to improve my lot in life.  But I have to wait for another year to a year and a half.   If I lose the appeal, my life will go on as it is now. I cannot work at the present because it might jeopardize the appeal.  I might have to consider trying to obtain a part time job later but my skills are limited.  So in the meantime, I struggle each day with fear, with loneliness, with much worry. I pray but it doesn't seem to help.  I don't know if my prayers are just hitting the ceiling and evaporating or what.  I do not know why I have to go through this trial, especially alone, but apparently I am supposed to learn something from it.  My marriage is over.  I would love to try marriage again, but who would have me?
I am in a state of waiting...waiting...waiting.  And it's killing me.  
I have some debt that to have it paid off would be a tremendous help to get me through the next year.  I went through bankruptcy several years ago and believe me I learned my lesson then, so my debt isn't that bad, it's just hard with the fixed amount of money I receive from my retirement each month to pay on everything I owe.  I have to choose whether to pay bills or buy groceries.  I cannot do both.  I have not been to the grocery store this month.  I am living off what I bought in September.  I have had no bread or milk for over two and a half weeks.  I have two rolls of toilet paper and I'm on my last roll of paper towels.  I looked into food stamps, but I would need it to cover everything, and it does not cover paper products, medicines, soap, household products, etc.  I have two cavities that need to be filled and the estimated cost for me is 204 dollars.  the insurance will cover the rest of the estimated 400 dollars it will cost.  I have to go to the doctor to get their signature for me to get my diabetes supplies paid through insurance but I can't afford the copay.
I had no inkling when I retired in June 2009 that a year later I would be divorced, living alone, crying every single day, missing my ex husband's pets terribly, and just all around miserable.  I guess I made a mistake in quitting work/retiring that I can't change.  It's really hard, and I solicit your prayers, and if you can help me in any way, I will gladly accept your help. Please don't hate me for writing about this in this blog.  Sometimes people don't realize what others are going through.  If there is anything I can pray about for you or do for you, I hope you will let me know. I really struggled with writing these words,  You may not believe it but I do not want to be dependent on others. My family helps me when they can but I know they get tired of me always needing something.  I don't mean to be needy. I wouldn't want what I am going through to happen to anyone. Thank you for reading this far and God bless you all. 

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